A feminine perspective on sex, love, and the elusive female orgasm.

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30.7.14



Finding Your Own O

I have a friend who's identity I shall protect by calling her Pocahontas. Pocahontas has been married to her husband, John Smith, for quite a while now. She loves him very much. They have a regular sex life - by regular, I mean that sex happens regularly throughout their lives, not only on birthdays, anniversaries, and national holidays. They are even planning on bringing little crib critters into the mix soon.

Sounds wonderful, yes? And it is. Except for one...tiny...itsy bitsy little thing...

She's never had an orgasm.

Ever.

I don't mean, she's never had an orgasm during sexual intercourse. I don't mean, she's never had an orgasm from her husband. I mean - unless she's orgasmed in her sleep and just didn't realize - that she has never reached the big O. Ever! And she very much would like to get there.

So Pocahontas - this post is for you, boo. ;)

It Starts With You


You do not have to wait until you have met your next lover to start learning about what works for you in bed. You do not have to consult your boyfriend or husband, draw him a diagram or make him a color coded, "x" marks the spot Keynote presentation.

If you already know what your body needs and intercourse is the next frontier? Fine. But if you are in the camp of never having had an orgasm (ever!) and you want my advice as to what to try with your significant other? - My advice is right here:

Kick him out of the room!!!

This is not about him. This is about YOU, and you do not need HIM to find out about YOU. Got it?

Good.

This is about two things: Self awareness, and sexual confidence. Confidence will come with time, and is more about comfort with your partner and with yourself. It is about being honest about what you're feeling (or not quite feeling..) without embarrassment or shame. Once you can have that, you'll have open and honest communication. But you can't have confidence without awareness.

Why not? If you don't know your own body, what makes YOU tick, you've stripped yourself of the ability to have an opinion or be an authority on anything, every time those bedroom doors close. You have no idea if it's you, or if it's him. If a tried and true "move" of his makes you uncomfortable, hurts, or tickles, rather than inspiring the bliss it (supposedly) did for other women, you may doubt yourself and your own body's capabilities. You may think this should make you orgasm, but it doesn't because something is wrong with you. That you're weird. Or broken.

NO!

This is where knowing yourself comes in. I usually have at least one orgasm in the morning, and two to three at night. (No hate mail, please.) In a relationship or not, boyfriend sleeping over or not, I take my O's as regularly as my vitamins, thank you very much. That being said, you'd have to be a hell of a lawyer to convince that some prized technique didn't work on me because I'm wired wrong, or that I should have come, so if I didn't, maybe I just "can't".  I'm not operating under the assumption that my partner somehow knows more about my own pleasure than I do - that's why I can be sure of myself, rather than looking for validation from outside of myself or asking permission to want what I want or feel what I feel.

Because I have no trouble getting to orgasm on my own, because I am VERY aware of what works for me and what doesn't, and because I am confident in my ability to climax - I accept that not everything a man does or tries will please me. It doesn't mean I'm "wrong", it just means I'm not into it. Period. So no one can tell me differently. No one can say, "well all girls like having their nipples pulled on" or "well no other woman has ever complained that I don't go down on her long enough for her to climax", and result in me accepting a situation where I'm not being pleased and blaming myself for being sexually defective.

Confidence allows me to be unfazed by all that judge and jury talk. i.e.: "Well it worked with so-and-so, so the problem must be you." I already know who I am, so sentences that contain the words "all the girls", "the other women", or frankly any plural - because I am one - fly right over my head. As they should. Getting off is not an intellectual process or a majority rules situation, so no judge, jury, or evidence necessary. All that is necessary is an attentive partner.

Sometimes men bring outside information into bed with them. It can come from other women he's been with. It can come from porn. From movies. From books. From things he's heard from other men. They think it is experience. But it's not - every woman is different. We don't all like the same things. It's like bringing a map of Disney World to Six Flags and then wondering why you can't find anything!

That's where the confidence comes in. Once you are sure of yourself, you can have the confidence to encourage him to get his nose out of that silly map, and actually use his five senses to navigate through this theme park. You won't feel silly or confused if he insists that the roller coasters are usually over here. You can tell him that your roller coasters are exactly where they belong, thank you very much. Your layout is not wrong - he just hasn't learned his way around...yet.

But you'll have a hard time taking him on a tour of your theme park if you yourself still can't get around without the map! So learn yourself first. Explore. And try not to think too hard about it and end up limiting what you try to what you think your body should respond to. Just feel...and follow that. This is a primitive function that your body is designed to perform, so the more you dumb it down, the better. Tingly - good. Painful - bad. Itchy - weird. Follow the good. The great. The feelings you don't have words for that make your toes twitch. 

Also? Cut yourself some slack!!! Do not think that taking a while to discover your sexuality has anything to do with you or your ability to enjoy sex. We live in a patriarchal society. Notice that men aren't reading self help books about how to realize their full potential and finally have an orgasm at 38. Ask a man when his first orgasm was. You will be amazed. (Or annoyed.)

But seriously! Men are encouraged to explore their "manhood" from early ages, whereas women are encouraged to remain as ignorant about their sexuality as possible for as long as possible. This is all in a man's best interest. Men want women to be fresh until they get there. Innocent. Untouched. And - yes! - ignorant. Think about it! How can he be bad in bed if you have nothing to compare sex with him to? How can his penis be a little on the small side if it's the only one you've ever seen! A woman's ignorance is how men remain the selectors when it comes to sex. If a woman has too much information, she can use it to make decisions, and god forbid she starts doing that. Then he might actually have to be worth a damn. 

Sorry, all roads lead to feminism for me, but my point - it is not your fault or an indication that you have some underlying, physical defect if you have trouble getting to orgasm or haven't gotten there yet. This is merely a result of a society that doesn't prioritize a woman's pleasure. So...it's time to start prioritizing it yourself!

There now - off you go. Go find out about your body. You can't start asking for what you want before you know what it is, right?

Goodluck...


x's and many O's,

Belle


For quick tips and bedroom tricks check out Sex Tips

Polls are open. Scroll down to Vote O School. 

16.7.14



10 Warning Signs That Your New Beau Can't "Do The Do" 

I heard it joked about once that people should come with labels conveniently located on their skin, the way every day products are labeled. Ingredients, warnings if it contains nuts or something else that lots of people are allergic to. That some people should even come with a Surgeon General's Warning.

I second that opinion. Dating can be such a jungle sometimes, and wouldn't it be nice if while you were in the thick of it, with your machete, chopping away at all the crap to reveal the real guy, if just a little of that due diligence had already been done for you? Wouldn't it be nice if when he turned his head to signal for a table you saw a little something on his neck that said: May contain bullshit. Those who experience strong allergic reactions to bullshit should steer clear. Or if when he reached across the table to pay the check, there was a little something on his wrist that said: 3 Date Minimum - This man will flake if after three dates, he has not received sex. And you know how your carrier will sometimes send loud, obnoxious alerts to your cell phone if there's a weather crisis? Like a flash flood warning? Wouldn't it be cool if after a respectful kiss at the end of the night, you hopped in your cab and your phone started going off like mad. You checked it, and saw:

BAD IN BED ALERT
Surgeon General's Warning: Dissatisfying sex can cause headaches, frustration, loss of sleep, resentment, excessive drinking, and other symptoms consistent with complete mental breakdowns. To avoid these symptoms please steer clear of men who are chronically bad in bed. You cannot change them.
No matter what you do.
You have been warned.

Yes, yes, I agree. It would be lovely. But when it comes to being bad in bed, I believe there are a few ways that you can tell. This has nothing to do with how much or how little the man is packing, because this isn't equipment related at all. It isn't about experience or compatibility. It isn't even physical. Because when a man is chronically bad in bed it is less about his ability to be an adequate sex partner, and more about his desire to be an adequate sex partner. It is because his goals in the bedroom are about himself, and only himself. Here are a few ways to tell if you are dating that man.

1. The Kiss


Kissing is telling. Maybe not a quick kiss goodnight, or a peck hello, but if kissing turns into making out you can gauge a lot about a person's romantic style. Not sure what I mean? Is he touching your face, caressing your neck, running a finger along the sensitive skin behind your shoulder? Does he seem to be exploring and savoring you? Discovering you? Or...is he kissing you hastily. Briefly. In a get in - get out - get it over with kind of manner? Do the kisses seem more mechanical than meaningful? Go ahead and guess which kisser will likely be a better lover.

2. A Little More Conversation


When people are on the road to intimacy, especially if they (or one of them) are taking their time, eventually it will pop up in conversation. Pay attention to the way that he talks about sex. Where is his focus? Sometimes it's easier to see it in retrospect, but seriously take a look at this because I believe it is telling. When describing his past does he say, "I felt so in sync with my ex. I really understood her body." Does he say, "I like to take my time and observe my partner, so I can figure out what she needs." Or does he say, "I'm a big fan of the trashy lingerie." And things like, "I need someone who can keep things interesting for me in the bedroom." These statements aren't even necessarily about the sex itself. Not the size of the boat, nor the motion of the ocean, nor anything that his partner did or didn't do. But it does reveal his perspective. And if his perspective during sex was all about his own pleasure then, what makes you think it'll be any different with you?

3. Q & A


When you're still in the early stages and merely discussing sex, sometimes there may be a little question and answer session. I personally think this is a nice, safe way to share hopes and expectations or try and figure out whether there is compatibility before actually doing the deed. Here is another opportunity for you to pay attention to his focus! What questions does he ask, and what is he trying to figure out by asking them? Does he ask about how you like to be kissed and touched, or where? Does he ask about your interests in the bedroom? Don't get confused, because sometimes it can seem like he's asking about your interests, when really what he's doing is testing to see if you're open to his interests. Questions like, "So...are you into lingerie..." or, "How do you feel about role play?" or, "Would you ever do anything risky, like sex in public?" - These questions may seem like attempts to probe and find out about you, but questions that are about you will be very open to allow you to reveal whatever it is that appeals to you personally. Questions about your stance about very specific topics are meant to gauge whether or not you will willingly participate in things that he wants to do.
Bottom line: He's not thinking about you - only what he can do with you.

4. Haste Makes Waste


Another sign that your new man may not have any heat between the sheets - Is he rushing? It's one thing to be attracted and to be eager. If you are considering having sex with someone he better be extremely into you. But attraction isn't a good reason for an inability to keep his zipper zipped. Generally when people rush into sex, it isn't for the "just can't resist you" reasons they may use to justify the haste. There's usually some other reason.

1 - He doesn't plan on being around for very long so he's trying to get to the sex part as soon as possible. Think about it - If he's rushing to get you into bed because he knows he doesn't want to have to talk to you, listen, keep up a connection, get invested, allow things to progress and spend increasingly more time with you for much longer than a few weeks to a month - if this is his attitude about you - how do you think he's going to treat you when you're naked? If he can't be bothered out of bed, he won't be bothered in bed either! Everything about your interactions are about him, and the sex will be no different.

2 - He knows something is wrong. He may not admit it to you, or even to himself, but often people rush things subconsciously out of fear that the other person is going to "figure something out" about them. Maybe none of their relationships survive after that first few weeks. Maybe women tend not to stick around after sex, or after the first few sexual encounters (maybe because she gave him the benefit of the doubt the first time?). He may be rushing because deep down, he knows he isn't hooking ladies with his mojo, and he wants to experience sex with you before you figure it out too and leave him high and dry.

5. I Object


The way that a person handles disagreements says a lot about their character, and who a person is in life can often tell you a lot about who they are in bed. The guy that always just seems to remember little quirks and pet peeves of yours? This is the guy who will always remember where and how you like to be touched, what makes you feel uncomfortable, etc. Similarly, people who argue about the little things and do not or cannot seem to take responsibility in life are likely to behave the same way in bed.
So watch out. When that first little disagreement comes up, does he listen? Do the two of you trade ideas and perspectives and eventually reach a mutual resolution? Does he disagree before you've fully explained yourself? Does he say things like, "Oh, c'mon!" or "That's not fair!" - things that don't really offer any perspective other than that he doesn't like to be met with feedback? Do his suggestions on how to resolve things always seem to be about what you need to change?
Six months later this will be the guy that's telling you it's your fault you're not enjoying the sex, and that maybe you should figure out how to enjoy it more. If you tell him you're not confused, you just don't particularly enjoy certain things that he's doing, he'll say, "That's not fair!" and proceed to tell you why you should enjoy them. And then heaven forbid you tell him what would be enjoyable for you - things that he isn't currently doing (like performing oral sex, for example).
Guess what he'll say...

"Oh, c'mon!!!"

6. Buzz Words


If casually discussing sex turns into phone sex or sexting, again, pay attention! To you, and to him. Phone sex is a time for you to share your fantasies. It's also kind of like an improv. For those of you who didn't grow up doing Actor's Studio exercises, there's only one rule of improv - you cannot say no. You cannot contradict the scene that someone else has set up. You go with it.
Where is he trying to go with his scene? What is he trying to steer clear of? Also, watch out for the actions being performed and who is performing them. Unselfish people usually talk about themselves during phone sex in terms of action. i.e.: I would do this to you, I want to do that with you, etc. But selfish people? They will TELL you what you would be doing to them! i.e.: Now you're doing this, now you're doing that.... Sometimes they won't participate in any real way at all, instead blatantly asking, "What would you do to me if you were here?"
Be careful. If you were there, they'd be just as lazy as they are over the phone.
Also, think about how you feel after you've had phone sex with your guy. Satisfied? Excited? Anxious for when the two of you can really be together? Or do you feel uncomfortable? Frustrated? Do you notice after hanging up that your own arousal hasn't been addressed, or are you mulling over something awkward that he said or suggested he'd like you to do? If he leaves you feeling this way over the phone he will likely leave you feeling the same way in person.

7. Foreplay


So here you are, steadily making your way down the path to intimacy, and you've reached the Foreplay stop on the journey. If making out wasn't an indicator of his romantic temperament, foreplay will show you who he is in bed. Trust me - If you don't like what you see here? You need not progress!
It doesn't matter if penetration isn't happening, or if "no sex of any kind" is happening. For all intents and purposes, foreplay is sex. Foreplay is a way that both parties can achieve mutual satisfaction even though sex isn't happening, or, in a situation where you are having sex and you're just warming up, if sex just hasn't happened yet. The way that a person approaches foreplay tells you everything you need to know about who they are as a lover.
An attentive lover will kiss you, touch you, find ways to please you, take their time doing it because they enjoy doing it. When two people are doing this at the same time, there is no push and pull, no discomfort, and they are both happy.
But with a selfish lover...
He isn't touching you or kissing you. He is laying back, watching you, waiting for things to happen because he expects to be kissed and touched. This is the guy who rushes through kissing you for about a minute and then grabs your hand and places it on his erection. This is the guy who not-so-subtly suggests that "maybe you should" go down on him, meanwhile he's barely touched you.
Beware! He has no interest in your pleasure at all! You are just a means to his own end, and once he gets there, he'll think you're both "done".

8. Double Standard


People who are bad in bed tend to have a double standard when it comes to pleasure. They think that the things that please them are "easy" to do, or "not a big deal". Meanwhile the things that will please you are described as "a lot of work" or "serious".
The double standard guy is the guy who makes going down on a woman out to be some death sentence that he needs to mull over for at least six months before he carries it out, but thinks she should go down on him on the third date. This is the guy that expects you to jerk him off throughout an entire season of Lost, because it's obviously no trouble at all, and your biceps could use a little definition anyway, but then makes a confused face when you mention returning the favor. He then reluctantly "attempts" to do so for about five minutes and then poops out, telling you he's tired.
He's not tired. The reason pleasing you is a "big deal" is because he doesn't genuinely want to do anything that doesn't have something in it for him. You almost want to have sex with this guy even though the foreplay is horrible, just so that you can get off!
Don't! Not all sex is good sex, and something tells me this guy doesn't understand the first thing about pleasing a woman. Not with his mouth, hand, or any other appendage.

9. Wait & See


At this point, something intimate or sexual has happened that's got your spidey sense tingling. Your brows have risen, your senses have perked, and it has occurred to you that this guy may not have any idea what he's doing, or that what he's doing simply does not work.
If you try to talk about actually working on the sex with this guy, he may hit you with a "wait and see".
What do I mean by that? He will present you with one or more excuses as to why the sex isn't good...yet.

i.e.: "We're still getting to know each other's bodies."
Never mind the fact that if he was really getting to know you, he'd be open to the conversation.

"Sex is always a little awkward at first. It's something we just have to work on."
First, who died and made him a sex therapist? Second, since when is "working on" sex defined as ignoring your partner's concerns and proceeding to do things the same anyway.

"It takes me a while before I'm comfortable enough to really connect with someone in bed."
Ladies, if he needs time to connect, how about taking your time and not actually physically connecting until that "time" has arrived!

In short, no matter what you say isn't working for you, no matter how long it's been, this guy will always have one or more reasons to justify what's happening, always with the implication that it will get better "later on" when the two of you are in a "different place".
Don't buy it. If you do, your fulfilling sex life will be the equivalent of an asymptote. You will always believe you are approaching it, but you will NEVER get there. There will always be a reason that it can't happen today, or that it's getting put off until tomorrow.
People who genuinely want to make you happy don't just talk about doing it later or give you excuses for why they can't do it today.
They just DO it.

10. "No Complaints"


This is probably my favorite one. Ever heard a guy justify his sexual abilities by saying, "Well, I haven't heard any complaints." Accompanied usually by some shrugging motion.
I can think of some other times in life that people similarly describe their accomplishments...

Q: How'd you do on that test?
A: Well, I didn't fail.

Q: How's everything going at work?
A: Well, I haven't gotten fired.

Q: How's your medical practice going?
A: Well, I haven't been sued for malpractice yet.

You get me?

People who have good things to say about their accomplishments SAY good things! They don't resort to the worst case scenario and boast that it hasn't happened yet! They say, "I aced that test!", "I may be getting a promotion!", or "My patients seem really pleased!" If all a man has to say for himself is that he's never had any complaints, that may be true, but that may mean that no one has ever said anything GOOD about him either!

It may also mean that he HAS heard complaints, but just didn't acknowledge them.

I once noticed that a guy I was seeing had a very one-sided perspective of sex. He didn't seem to grasp that some of the things he wanted held absolutely no interest or enjoyment for me. i.e.: Posing certain ways so he could admire my body, allowing him to "finish" on me. When I said no, he'd become confused. Confused. As in Scooby Doo head motion, and then, "What?! You mean you don't like that?" Funny that when he "finished" on himself he seemed absolutely uncomfortable and even a bit grossed out. Maybe he thinks women have some sort of special nerve endings coating their skin that causes them to get off on the feeling of sticky liquid?
But I digress...
Anyhoo, when I noticed this one sided perspective I asked whether he was a porn watcher. He told me not anymore, but that he used to watch it. I told him that I could tell, because the things he liked seemed to be very one-sided, as in focused only on a man's pleasure.
His response?
"Well, I haven't heard you complaining."

But...I'd JUST complained! The very sentence he was responding to HAD been a complaint.

Which goes to show you, just because a guy says he hasn't heard any complaints doesn't necessarily make it true. If he wanted to be more accurate, he could say, "I haven't listened to any complaints".


So there you have it. Ten things to watch out for, as they may indicate that the guy you're seeing is bad in bed. Remember, these have nothing to do with equipment or experience. A very experienced, very hung man can still be a (very) bad lover. You can work with a guy until the sun explodes or talk until you're blue in the face, but if a man does not have a genuine interest in your pleasure, you can't teach him to be interested. Caring about someone other than themselves is something that people have to feel on their own. You can't argue them into caring.

Remember: Dissatisfying sex can cause headaches, frustration, loss of sleep, resentment, excessive drinking, and other symptoms consistent with complete mental breakdowns. To avoid these symptoms please steer clear of men who are chronically bad in bed. You cannot change them.

No matter what you do.

You have been warned.



x's and many O's,

Belle


For quick tips and bedroom tricks check out Sex Tips

Polls are open. Scroll down to Vote O School. 

2.7.14



Fifty Shades of Fucking Hot 

"Did you reach any conclusions?" I whisper.
"No, and right now, I just want to tie you up and fuck you senseless. Are you ready for that?"
"Yes," I breathe as everything in my body tightens at once...wow.
"Good. Come." He takes my hands and, leaving all the dirty dishes on the breakfast bar, we head upstairs.
My heart starts pounding. This is it. I'm really going to do this. My inner goddess is spinning like a world-class-ballerina, pirouette after pirouette. He opens the door to his playroom, standing back for me to walk through, and I am once more in the Red Room of Pain. 
It's the same, the smell of leather, citrus-scented polish, and dark wood, all very sensual. My blood is running heated and scared through my system - adrenaline mixed with lust and longing. It's a heady, potent cocktail. Christian's stance has changed completely, subtly altered, harder and meaner. He gazes down at me and his eyes are heated, lustful...hypnotic.
"When you're in here, you are completely mine," he breathes, each word slow and measured. "To do with as I see fit. Do you understand?"
His gaze is so intense. I nod, my mouth dry, my heart feeling as if it will jump out of my chest.
"Take your shoes off," he orders softly.
I swallow, and rather clumsily, I take them off. He bends and picks them up and deposits them beside the door. 
"Good. Don't hesitate when I ask you to do something. Now I'm going to peel you out of this dress. Something I've wanted to do for a few days, if I recall. I want you to be comfortable with your body, Anastasia. You have a beautiful body, and I like to look at it. It is a joy to behold. In fact, I could gaze at you all day, and I want you unembarrassed and unashamed of your nakedness. Do you understand?"
"Yes."
"Yes, what?" He leans over me, glaring.
"Yes, Sir."
"Do you mean that?" he snaps.
"Yes, Sir."
"Good. Lift your arms up over your head."
I do as instructed, and he reaches down and grabs the hem. Slowly, he pulls my dress up over my thighs, my hips, my belly, my breasts, my shoulders, and up over my head. He stands back to examine me and absentmindedly folds my dress, not taking his eyes off me. He places it on the large chest beside the door. Reaching up, he pulls at my chin, his touch searing me.
"You're biting your lip," he breathes. "You know what that does to me," he adds darkly. "Turn around."


- Fifty Shades of Grey, by E L James

Vanilla


For a long time vanilla sex was all I knew. Actually, personally knew. Oh sure, I knew that fetishes existed. I knew there were people and things out there in the big, bad world that might be considered kinky. The words kink and fetish also sounded like swear words to me at the time, and I felt safe and content far, far away from those words.

But then, due to my healthy appetite for reading erotica, I discovered something that shocked me. Truly, truly shocked me and has since altered me irrevocably. I discovered that there were things that went on inside the big, bad world of BDSM and D/s that intrigued me. There were some aspects of it I knew I'd never touch. But others? Others seemed perfectly natural to me. As natural as breathing. I was suddenly met with a justification for desires I'd previously suppressed and denied, and the knowledge of the many delicious ways I could have long ignored fantasies realized.

Whether you're an every-day, vanilla sex person, a proud owner of the Kama Sutra and your very own handcuffs, or an established member of the BDSM community, this post is to offer a little bit of information about what else is "out there" in the big, bad world of sex, and how you can safely navigate it as you explore your sexuality.

BDSM and D/s


BDSM is often used as an umbrella term to encompass a lot of different things. It stands for Bondage, Discipline, Sadism and Masochism. D/s stands for Dominance and submission. Sometimes these things go hand in hand. Sometimes they do not. It completely depends on the relationship and the inclinations and preferences of the individuals involved.

If you are already in a safe, healthy relationship with a significant other and would like to start exploring some things in the bedroom that are a little more "out of the box", this can be an interesting place to start exploring. Most women I know experience an innate response to dominance and authority. I experience it too. It's something that I always knew that I wanted and needed, even when I didn't know just how much of it I needed. That said, if my stamp of approval means anything, here it is!
If you are not already in a safe, healthy relationship with a significant other, but you know you'd like to explore your sexuality in this way, the rest of this post is for you. Please be VERY careful, because while sex is already risky business if you're not careful, BDSM can be every riskier.

Trust


Before you strip down and start having a sexual relationship with anyone, I would hope that you first make sure that mutual trust and respect is established. However, I understand that not everyone out there is marriage minded or relationship minded, and sometimes the only thing being considered before sex is whether it will be a good time.

This is different. A D/s relationship can only work if trust is present. The nature of a Dominant/submissive dynamic is simple - both parties have mutually decided that one person is relinquishing control to the other. Exactly how that control is relinquished is up to those individuals. Some couples live the power exchange 24/7. Some turn it on for the weekends only, or have designated days. Some practice it in all aspects of life, while others reserve it strictly for the bedroom. It is a serious matter that is discussed at length before anything physical can happen. The passage above happened nineteen chapters in, because everything up until that point was negotiating terms!

If, like me, you were introduced to this world through works of fiction, understand that as with all other romance novels you are reading a glorified, idealized version of reality. Unlike the characters in your novels, movies or TV shows, your kinky desires may not align perfectly with every single man you meet who has a vague interest in Dominance/submission. There are many different flavors. Make sure you are honest with yourself and your potential partner about what you will and will not accept. Be sure to talk about both your limits, and make sure you have safety measures in place (safe words) in case someone is uncomfortable while things are already underway.

While it can read very hot on paper, it is only so because the ideal Dominant is a responsible individual who knows and respects their submissive's wants, needs and limits. A Dominant must be able to assume this responsibility readily, and a submissive must be able to trust their Dominant in order to submit in good faith. Without this, without trust, this kind of play can get dicey, dangerous and even abusive.

To avoid validating certain sites over others, I will simply say that if you are interested in exploring the other flavors, the Chocolate, the Rocky Road and the Karamel Sutra, there are plenty of resources online and lots of educational literature that can give you an informed, balanced idea of what to expect should you actually try it.

Don't knock it - a spanking can be absolutely lovely. Just make sure you trust who you try it with.



x's and many O's,

Belle


For quick tips and bedroom tricks check out Sex Tips

Polls are open. Scroll down to Vote O School. 

21.5.14



How important or not is penis size, and why?

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You may notice that you're on a "by a woman, for the women" blog. And yet, here comes a post about penis size. The reason is this: Some people believe bigger is better while others insist that it's not the size of the boat, but the motion of the ocean. Men who know they're hung are confident that they're size is the key to their sexual successes. Men who know they're small insist that if a woman doesn't enjoy sex with them it's because she's a slut who needs to stop sleeping with so many hung men and do some kegel exercises. And because a lot of men haven't seen many other men naked - apart from porn, which generally only features the biggest penises - they don't really have an idea of where they fall on the size chart unless or until a partner tells them. 

So you'd think that the focus when evaluating a penis would have something to do with the partner in question. You'd think that there would be an understanding that the importance of size is relative. But apparently the idea of relativity and different women preferring different sizes is a very, very difficult concept to grasp. 

I recently saw a documentary on Netflix - The Unhung Hero - that inspired this post. Throughout the post a man who discovered that he fell on the smaller size of penises went about looking for ways to change his circumstances. Through the documentary (and keep in mind that this was NOT the primary focus, nor message in the documentary) the question was frequently asked - why do women have this obsession with size? Toward the end, just as the subject of the documentary was beginning to have an epiphany and realize that he had to accept himself for who he was and find someone who accepted him too (RIGHT ON!) - he also mentioned that the average vagina was three inches deep and that the average penis was four inches long. These statistics were then followed by an animation of a hot dog bun (the three inch deep vagina) and a hot dog (the four inch long bun), with the hot dog fitting into the bun and hanging on a bit on each side. He then asked the question - What's the problem? 

I didn't want to be upset. I didn't want to allow myself to have an emotional reaction when this was obviously coming from someone who - and forgive the pun - had gotten the short end of the stick. But then I thought about myself, my own physical traits - height, weight, breast size/shape. butt size/shape - and realized that women have ALWAYS had their physical traits put under a microscope, judged and rated. Society makes it very clear what it thinks "beautiful" is, and if the requirements to be a top model are any indication of the criteria, MOST women do not fit it. Does it mean that we start bad mouthing women who happen to be naturally tall and thin and somehow magically still have full D cups, or declare that anyone who thinks this is beautiful is obviously just brain-washed and stupid? No. We accept society's view, we accept ourselves, and we move forward confidently whether we fit the model mold or not.

So yes, I'm having a reaction, and I'm sharing it now, because I don't think it's okay for penis size to be turned around on women and for it to be a "problem" if a woman wants or prefers a certain size.   

Why Breast Size Does Not Compare To Penis Size


The most common comparison when men are trying to put themselves in a woman's shoes and understand why we care about penis size, is by thinking about why they care about breast size. 

One theory I have is that deep down men know that this isn't the same, but they hope that if they say "you have an A cup and I love you anyway" that you'll be forced to accept their 1.5 - 2 inch status wholeheartedly. 

The other theory is that since breasts are the most commonly critiqued area of a woman's body and usually the center of her sexual confidence, and the penis is the most commonly critiqued area of a man's body and usually the center of his sexual confidence, people just assume they're comparing Apples and Apples, when actually it's Oranges and Bananas. 

If we're talking about traditional intercourse, breasts are NOT a functional part of sex. They're aesthetic. Breasts on a woman are actually most comparable with a man's muscle tone, not penis size. It differs from person to person. Even when people are roughly the same height and weight, it does not mean that they'll have the same breast size or the same muscle tone. Some people prefer very big breasts and some people prefer big, pumped up muscles. Others prefer average-ish breasts, and toned, but still slim-ish muscles. Some don't mind if breasts are small, the same way some people don't mind if a guy isn't exactly in the best shape "right now". 

There's no hard and fast rule that only guy's with AMAZING bodies get girls, the same way there's no rule that only women with AMAZING tits attract men. Mostly because there's no clear definition of what "amazing" means - it differs depending on who you ask.

Some people list breast size and body type as their "bottom line", while others insist that those who do so are superficial and that if someone really cared about you, it wouldn't matter what your body was like or how big or not your breasts were. 

But penis size?

Penis Size is Functional - NOT Aesthetic


Unlike breasts, the penis is a functional part of intercourse. It is NOT an aesthetic bonus, it is THEE MAIN EVENT. If you want to compare a penis to a part of a woman's body - compare it to her vagina! Because that's what it is. It isn't an extra, some care, some don't, I can take it or leave it kind of thing. The penis is it. It is the part of your body that a woman is actually having sex WITH - not your pecks, your abs, your biceps or your hot or not butt - your penis!

It's the reason there is so much talk about how childbirth affects the vagina. Why men wonder how the hell they're ever going to have sex with their wives again once they've watched little Nicky tear right through it. 

And people generally seem to understand that concern, right? Obviously men would be concerned about the vagina after childbirth because of the way sex is going to feel.

So why the hell is it so hard to understand why women care about penis size? 

Why is it some big mystery that you have to venture out into the world and ask the Wizard of Oz to explain to you? You do know that sex involves TWO people, right? 

Women don't care about penis size the way they care about washboard abs or the way men care about breasts. It is NOT some superficial "bigger is better" propaganda that has brainwashed women into thinking that they want something that they don't actually need. This should be obvious, but if you have to ask then I think I have to explain: Women feel things during sex too. And penises of different sizes feel different during sex.

That’s all it is. It’s not rocket science. Women who prefer a big dick like it because they prefer the way it FEELS. Women who prefer an average dick like the way it FEELS. Women who prefer a smaller dick like the way it FEELS, and women who don’t have a preference are open to multiple FEELINGS and don’t discriminate. 

Women have every right to decide what is important to them in bed. So what that the average vagina is three inches long? The vagina isn’t a rigid hot dog bun that just stays the same size during sex. During sex a woman’s vagina changes. When a woman is aroused, her vagina tightens on the outside to grip the base of the penis, and expands on the inside to give the penis room. Obviously different penis sizes are going to affect the vagina differently, but that’s fine because different women prefer different feelings.

Personally, I guess you could call me a size queen. I don’t say it with any ego or like it’s some great thing because honestly, as I prefer an above average penis size that means that at the end of the day I have a smaller pool of men to choose from. That’s right, life is hard all around. The reason for my preference though, is that I like the feeling of being stretched. I like the way it feels when my limit (cervix) is reached and pushed on. I like it when because a penis is bigger than what my body can comfortably handle, it hurts a little (or a lotta) bit. 

That description of sex - pain & pleasure - is oh, so essential and hot to me. But other women I know avoid any kind of pain at all costs. Other women have had sexual experiences that I would consider divine and said they would never sleep with that man again because he was “too big”. 

It is all about what a woman wants and needs. Not to mention that being completely satisfied in bed is NOT a deal breaker for ALL women, AND that in a world of kink and fetishes, being satisfied does not have anything to do with penis size for all women!

Bottom line: Not everyone wins the genetic lottery and gets the exact face, body and sex organs that they would have chosen for themselves if they were able. Whether you’re completely happy with yourself or not, at some point you have to learn to be because good luck getting anyone else to love you if you don’t already love yourself.

And even if you’re someone who isn’t 100% happy with your lot, the only thing less attractive than insecurity is trying to invalidate those who have what you want, or who want what you don’t have. Not to mention that it’s immature, mean, and just plain disrespectful. 

There’s a great, big world out there. Lots of different people (who do not all meet society’s standards of beauty, body type, breasts size and/or (yeah, I said it) penis size) meet and live long, happy lives with people who accept and love them for exactly who they are. 

So quit staring at yourself in the mirror, get out there and do the same.




x's and many O's,

Belle



For quick tips and bedroom tricks check out Sex Tips

Polls are open. Scroll down to Vote O School. 

14.5.14


The blow job you want to give without embarrassment, exhaustion or injury  





If you are a member of the heterosexual community and tend to date men from said community, the men that you meet, date and eventually sleep with will have no idea what a blow job entails. They know what it feels like, and they know what it looks like - sure. But whether because the bulk of their erotic education has been streamed over elicit websites or because the women of their past have not told them the truth (that or just didn't have a gag reflex) they don't understand that a blow job is exactly that - a JOB! 

I'm personally bisexual and thus have had the privilege of intimacy with both genders. Let me tell you: As with most of life for us women, it is NOT equal pay for equal work. Men may think that if they give their all, you should give yours too, having no idea that performing oral sex on a woman barely requires limits to be pushed, whereas doing so on a man requires limits to be pushed, stretched, and in some cases damn near choked to death. Factor that in with the fact that the average woman is not a porn star and you may find yourself in a situation where your partner's expectations when venturing south of the border are some that you can't or simply don't want to meet. 

Whether it's your favorite thing in the world to perform or something you only break out on Christmas, Valentine's Day and his birthday, I'm going to provide you with my version of a Going Down Do's and Don'ts Guide. And since as women we tend to be people pleasers and thus more likely to ignore our limits and overextend ourselves, I'm going to start with the don'ts. 

Going Down Don'ts

Don't: Give to receive. While reciprocity is nice, it's neither required nor sexy. I can't imagine a bigger turn off than a man going down on me, crawling up for a kiss and then muttering, "your turn". Even if I was planning on reciprocating I wouldn't at that point, because I would feel like his motives for pleasing me were disingenuous. Learn to ask for what you want up front. Don't do it because you want something from him. Do it because you want to. And if you don't...

Don't: Perform oral sex if you don't actually WANT to. This is not a prerequisite to sex. Oral sex is extremely intimate. Personally I find it even more intimate than intercourse. (Yes, really.) Whatever your doubts are, trust that they are valid and are not made suddenly invalid but your partner's declaration of being ready and willing to go down on you. You are not on the clock and thus in no way required. So when in doubt - don't. 

Don't: Overextend yourself or ignore your limits. It's understandable that when you do want to perform oral sex, you want to perform well. Still, being unrealistic about your capabilities may have consequences (i.e.: extreme soreness and discomfort after or even during the fact, painful and embarrassing gagging and choking, accidental biting...need I say more?). Be honest with yourself and your partner not just about what you want to do, but what you can do. 

Going Down Do's

Do: Let him know that you enjoy pleasing him. The beauty of only going down when you want to is that you'll never be dragging your feet or doing a "lazy" job - it will always be your choice. Chances are he'll enjoy himself more if he knows you're genuinely enjoying it too. 

Do: Pace yourself. Don't just acknowledge your capabilities and limits - work with them. Use anticipation to your advantage. Tease. Perhaps start of slow and work up to a more challenging speed. Maybe begin with light suction rather than starting with your mouth on HIGH. Keep not just his pleasure, but also your personal comfort in mind. It can either be an amazing, short burst or a long climb that builds up to amazing. Your choice. 

Do: Get creative and spare your mouth. You don't necessarily have to have ALL OF IT in your mouth the ENTIRE time. Not all men agree on this, granted, but a fair amount believe it is more about the visual show than anything else. That means working yourself one way to the point of exhaustion might not be the ticket to the best blow job you can give. Vary things a bit in ways that will allow your mouth a rest. Remember things: Like the fact that you still have hands, or that most twigs come with berries. 

As always, be open and honest with your partner so that the two of you (or heck, maybe not just two?) can figure out what works best for you both. 

Happy head, ladies.

Oh...and don't forget to breathe. 



x's and many O's,

Belle


For quick tips and bedroom tricks check out Sex Tips

Polls are open. Scroll down to Vote O School. 

30.4.14




Girl Tested, Boyfriend Approved  


As much as I boast "size matters" (which is my personal opinion and nothing more), I wouldn't sleep with or settle down with a man based solely on his endowment. But then again, if ever I were to meet a man with a penis that had eight definitive speeds, moved in at least three unique patterns, whose base swirled and vibrated, had a 360 rotating head and NEVER went soft - I might marry him on the spot. If it did all that it wouldn't even need to be big...

Okay, yeah it would still be nice. But I digress...

It has all the joys of a penis - plus some perks - distilled into a battery operated, conveniently sized device that can be hidden in a purse (although that kind of depends on the purse) or a bedside table. Just in case the photos didn't already tip you off - this week's topic is:

The Sex Toy


The beauty of a sex toy is that it's right for any occasion. A quiet day off, or a dry spell between partners. A day in bed with your significant other, between rounds. A night you've both decided to spice it up a little. When someone's out of town and you need material for your video chat. A sex toy is almost never the wrong answer.

Show and Tell

Sex toys come in all sorts of shapes, sizes and colors, and can function very differently. While I may consider myself an expert in full lotus and floating over a lily pad when it comes to having orgasms, I don't pretend to be an expert at everything having to do with getting to them, including sex and sex toys. I can't tell you what is or is not guaranteed to work for you. For the answers to that, you've got to do the leg work. So rather than recommending sex toys the way a "sexpert" might, I'm going to do a little show and tell. (Oh no, not literally. I don't want my blog getting banned in the states...) I'm going to share what my favorite sex toy is and why (show), and then share which ones stood out for me when I did some amateur market research (tell).

My favorite sex toy can actually be seen in the photo above, in several colors, facing several directions. My personal one is pink, as in the photo below. The Doc Johnson i-Vibe Rabbit.


Source: http://www.docjohnson.com/ivibe-rabbit.html


The Doc Johnson i-Vibe has eight speeds and three functions. The speeds control both the intensity of the rabbit ears (which vibrate against the clitoris) and the speed of the rotating head, while the functions control the pattern in which the rotating head...rotates. And while all this is happening, the pearls at the base swirl around for extra sensation. Did I mention that the ears and the head vibrate/swirl at independent speeds?

I like this vibrator because it has extremely versitile use. Even if you're not in the mood for penetration (and since the vibrator is pretty girthy and a lot more unyielding than a real penis, even the slightest penetration is significant) you can still use the rabbit ears on their own. With penetration, I find it intense enough even without using any of the rotating functions. The only drawback to solo use that I personally find is that there are A LOT of buttons and settings, and once you have a firm, vibrating penis a couple of inches inside you and vibrating ears trembling against your clit, it's a little difficult to remember what button does what, and leaning over to check isn't the most comfortable thing in the world in that particular moment. 

However, when using it with a partner, my experience with the i-Vibe has been divine. All those buttons are no longer an issue when you're letting your man drive. The first time I had a boyfriend use a vibrator on me I worried that it might be awkward. That maybe he'd feel threatened - after all, it does things a normal penis cannot do (unless it's been implanted with hydraulics). What I didn't consider was that I'd basically handed him a video game. A video game that was going to bring me to multiple orgasms, making it even better than Halo or NBA Live. Not only did it take "what does this button do?" to a whole new level, using it before sex enabled us to try some positions that would normally be too much for me right away. (Attention size queens: This is a GREAT warm up option!)

Babes in Toyland

During my research I came across two toys that blew my mind. I'll have to flip a coin to decide which one will be my next purchase because I'm equally intrigued by both the We-Vibe 4 and Hello Touch

Source: http://we-vibe.com/we-vibe-4

What I love about the We-Vibe 4 is that it isn't meant to be used in lieu of a penis. It's meant to enhance the act of sex itself. It manages to vibrate against the G-Spot and the clitoris during sex, meaning your partner gets to enjoy it too. This seems like a great option for couples. It also has a crazy variety of vibration patterns and intensities. I'm having a really hard time staying on task here and not whipping out my credit card right now.

Source: http://gizmodo.com/5976214/hello-touch-may-be-the-best-sex-toy-ever-invented

But I can't, because I'm torn between that and the Hello Touch. Hello Touch is a toy that straps onto your wrist and basically turns any of your two fingers into vibrators. This is ideal in almost any situation. If you're alone it removes the hassle of figuring out which button is which - you already know where your fingers are, right? And if not, how amazing would it be if your partner had vibrating fingers? How amazing would it be if you both did? 

See? This is why I need to flip a coin...

Some think sex toys are only for the kinky, bored or dissatisfied, but I disagree. There's nothing wrong with having a little fun, and the words fun and toy kind of go together - right?

Additional information about all of the toys mentioned above can be found by clicking on their links either above or below. 

Happy vibrations, ladies. Batteries not included.



x's and many O's,

Belle


For quick tips and bedroom tricks check out Orgasm Control

Polls are open. Scroll down to Vote O School. 

23.4.14


No Assembly Required

From Man to Manual Override  

Disclaimer: To avoid permanent injury, please Google carpal tunnel stretches before trying any of the techniques mentioned in this post.
Yes. Seriously.

The male body is a wonderful thing. It's strong, muscular, and when aroused can reshape ordinarily mundane materials, stabilizing them to form impressive teepees. Still, with or without a man in her life, sometimes a woman has to pull rank. That is, to take matters into her own...well...

Hands.

As mentioned in previous posts, the best way to teach a partner what you need in bed is to first learn it yourself. And when I say learn, I am referring to a hands-on experience. Even if you're just looking to engage in safe sex (the safest sex), or build some upper body strength, this is still a wonderful option. In terms of learning your body though, this method is ideal.

In fact, it's magnificent.

Now I literally read through 500+ euphemisms for the activity we're about to discuss (I've posted the link at the end if you're interested) and while I may throw some cute ones in here and there, I'm leading off with my absolute favorite...

Ladies - Today we are talking about Polishing the Pearl.

We've talked about how important comfort is when you're trying to have an orgasm with a partner. Trying to have one with yourself is no different. Don't just go charging into gland to hand combat thinking that roughing up the suspect is a sure road to an O. And while you're absolutely entitled to exercise your right and call in the secret service every now and then, you want to make sure you aren't getting trigger happy. I know you want to finish, but it's not a race. So slow down, DJ Diddles. Work at your own speed...

Okay, that's as many euphemisms as I can fit into a paragraph without laughing so hard I start crying all over my Mac. Okay, okay...let's get serious...

Your time with yourself is not about pressuring yourself to perform. This should be a pressure free time when you can truly discover what you want and need. If you're someone who has trouble achieving orgasm - not just from penetration, but in general - it may be a good idea to for a while to put the O out of your mind altogether.

The female orgasms is about release, not just of body, but of mind.

That means, if while you're touching yourself, all you're thinking is, "Am I doing it right? How will I know when I...? Is it happening yet? Is it going to happen? Omg, when am I going to come already!" you're just making it that much harder on yourself. Eventually when you're more familiar with the feeling you can learn to bring it on or put it off, but in the beginning stages, the most important thing is just to get to that feeling. And ironically, to do that, you need to stop thinking about it so hard. Cracking under pressure is especially unfortunate when it involves wrist joints.

Seduce Yourself

You don't have to take yourself out to a fancy dinner. (Although, honestly? Why not!) But you are seducing yourself in a very real way. So make you feel special. Be mindful of the time you choose. Are you alone in the house? Could someone walk in at any moment? Consider these things beforehand so they don't become unnecessary obstacles. Put on something that makes you feel sexy but allows for easy access. Something comfortable - no corsets. Erotic asphyxiation is for a different blog.

Have a mood set. Be careful of what's playing on TV, Netflix, the radio, or otherwise running in the background, especially if you're particularly attentive to your surroundings. I don't care how fast you can rub your fingers together - Saw 5 is a deal breaker. Also during certain times of day you may want to create some ambient noise - maybe put a fan on? - to drown out sounds from outside. Car horns, police sirens, and children running and laughing will ruin your mood if you let them. Dim the lights, maybe even light some candles. Treat yourself the way you would want to be treated by your partner - real or imagined.

Okay, so the mood is set. Now what?

I have three suggestions:

Fantasy

Before you start breaking out your Rabbits and your vibrating touches, take it back to basics. Kick it O School (wink) for a minute. Toys are for the experienced, and if you're still trying to figure out what your body likes, you aren't there yet. Close your eyes and let yourself imagine something that turns you on. Play a scene in your head. Hell, play a movie in your head, and see where it takes you.

Erotica

Erotica - aka romance novels / aka book porn - is an option if you don't have an original fantasy to fuel your time with yourself. Erotic novels are literally everywhere (some are even free). I would suggest reading something before resorting to watching something, because it still allows you to use your imagination and ultimately visualize what really works for you.

Erotic Film

Erotic films don't necessarily need to mean porn. You can start out with something lighter, softer, like a movie with a sexual theme, or one that's very sexually charged. If you do decide to move onto porn, make sure you've taken some time to do your research and find out exactly what you like. There's A LOT out there. The time to start searching through categories is BEFORE you change into your teddy and light the candles - not AFTER. 

Once you've set the mood and made yourself as comfortable as you can be, the rest is up to you. I could start giving you tips, like place your thumb and middle finger together, there, and roll, but every woman is different. What my body loves, yours may hate, and vise versa. It's up to you to explore, discover, and eventually delight in your body's own uniqueness. 

Happy masturbation, ladies.



x's and many O's,

Belle


See 500+ Masturbating Euphemisms for a complete list


For quick tips and bedroom tricks check out Orgasm Control

Polls are open. Scroll down to Vote O School. 

8.4.14

Faking It

Part 3


Constructive Criticism  


Welcome to the final installment of the three part Faking It series of posts, dedicated to inspire those of you who would be growing wooden noses were fairy tale rules in play to start telling the truth about your orgasms. If you haven't already, take a look at Faking It - Part One and Faking It - Part 2 to find out why women usually decide to fake their orgasms, and why you definitely shouldn't if you ever intend to have one.

You'll have to excuse my playful and sometimes sardonic tone, because this isn't about being mean. If you've made a habit of pretending to experience pleasure, that means you aren't really feeling it. And that's unacceptable. You should be experiencing real pleasure if you want it. And I want to help you get it.

I'm a good samaritan that way. 

Now, let's talk about sex...

Acceptance and trust is imperative to achieving sexual pleasure
I'm not talking about accepting and trusting him. You need to accept and trust you!

I've said it before, sometimes men bring outside information into bed with a woman and regard baggage as resources. They mean well. They want to please and impress and sometimes even prove that they aren't still wet behind the ears. They want you to know that they know their way around a woman. Sure. It's just that not all women are the same, and we don't all respond to the same things in the same way. And if that's not enough, between TV, internet, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram (I don't social network enough to go on, but if I did, I'm sure I could...) it is far too easy to spend time finding out what "everybody else" is doing. Which isn't necessarily bad, until you start using what everyone is allegedly doing as your barometer for what you should be doing, or for what is "normal". 

Don't allow outside information - whether it comes from friends, social networks, or even from "him" - to determine what you should like in bed. Let your own body decide. 

We aren't all the same. What makes one woman come like she's never come before could easily make another women laugh hysterically. Pay attention to your body, how it reacts, and what it's reacting to. You may learn something about yourself. Accept whatever it is that you're craving or feeling and trust that it's okay. Don't be embarrassed or discouraged if the "trick" he considers a signature move kind of just...tickles. Don't doubt yourself if you want to ask for something but think it might be weird. 

And while we're on the topic of asking, that's something I want to focus on. I know I've been bashing faking orgasms and I could go on doing so for days. I don't want to be insensitive to the fact that the alternative can be difficult and embarrassing for both parties involved. So okay - what do you do when it isn't working for you?

It's true - sometimes there isn't a nice way to say you aren't enjoying something. I'll go ahead and get personal for a moment. My breasts are one of the least sensitive areas on my body. There are places on my back that elicit more of a response from me when grazed, kissed or touched. I used to feel embarrassed about it because breasts are such a hot zone. It's a sexy place of interest. I feel like if there's a "foreplay focus" field in guy's brains somewhere, "boobs" is the default setting. But when interest is focused there for me? 

Crickets. 

I'm honest about it. I'll try to approach it lightly, usually. Maybe make a joke. Even something cheesy, just to take the pressure off. Or something stupid, like how my nipples should get unemployment checks because they aren't working. (::drum drum snare::) My goal is to communicate to my partner that it's not him. He's not doing something wrong - this just isn't something that I'm personally into. I've had success with this tactic in other areas if what was happening wasn't working for me. I communicated it as gently as I could and subtly suggested moving on. Sometimes it meant that he moved on to a different area and we continued as though the feedback had never been delivered. Other times it was motivating. It forced him to really pay attention to my body and try new things and suddenly I found that maybe I could respond in certain areas, depending on how it was approached. 

Still, while speaking up is something you should be able to do if something isn't working, at times I've found that the situation doesn't actually require a full stop. There are ways to intervene so that your partner may not even notice you've given, shall we say, constructive criticism. You may not have gotten a chance to read  Orgasm Control, but one of the quick tips that I suggest there is topping from the bottom.

You know how people say it's not what you say, it's how you say it? This is the epitome of that saying. Many times when women fake orgasms it's about not hurting their partners feelings, which they're sure speaking up and expressing that the foreplay or sex isn't working will result in. But how your partner receives what you have to say depends on how you deliver it.

Basic Principle: Rather than mentioning what isn't working for you, mention what is working. Tell him what you do like in a way that will encourage him to give you more of it.

Remember in Part 1 when we talked about what happens when you fake it? When you encourage the behaviors that you don't like in bed, you can be pretty sure he's going to keep on doing them. Not because he isn't good in bed, but because he's relying on you to know what you like and you aren't giving accurate signals. Topping from the bottom takes this and uses it to work in your favor. Instead of encouraging what you don't like, you're going to encourage what you do like...even if he hasn't quite done it yet. 

Now be careful with this one, because straying too far from what's actually happening can backfire. If he's never given you oral sex and you whisper, "ooh baby, I love it when you go down on me" he may think you're trying to Jedi mind trick him, or that you've confused him with someone else. But once he's in the right area, there's no reason you can't share what you prefer in said area.

Here are some examples from Orgasm Control:

Too fast? Don't tell him to slow down. 
Tell him how you love feeling every inch of him and watch him slow down to keep track.

Not hitting that spot? About to mutter "deeper"? Don't you dare.
Tell him that you love feeling him so deep
How deep? he'll wonder. And the next thing you know, he's in your belly.

Is he too gentle on a night you want it rough?
That's a hard feeling to communicate with words. But who said anything about talking? 
Be as aggressive as you want him to be. Squeeze him, scratch him, bite him. And when he comments on it, dare him to take the control back from you. He'll have to rise to your level and beyond to meet your challenge, and before you know it you'll have the rough night you wanted.

These are just some examples of how you can ask for what you want without making it sound like criticism.

Another idea is to wait until the sex is over for a less charged moment to talk about what you like. Without the pressure of performing in the moment, an open conversation about what pleases you should be easier. It doesn't have to be about what wasn't working the last time. In fact, the last time doesn't have to enter into the conversation at all. You can even sneak it into a playful or seductive conversation about how you like to please yourself. He'll be so into the idea that he may not even realize you're giving him pointers - until it's time for him to use them. 

These aren't the only answers to having a better sex life, but faking it certainly isn't the answer. In case you haven't noticed, I tend to be a little more open and aggressive about my sexuality. Not everyone is, and that's more than okay. You have to develop a comfort level with yourself, not just about what you like but who you are sexually. Develop that sexual identity, own it, and watch your sex life change forever. 


x's and many O's,

Belle



For quick tips and bedroom tricks check out Orgasm Control






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