A feminine perspective on sex, love, and the elusive female orgasm.




The elusive female orgasm

I'm going to say this - and I'm going to say it knowing that it's completely ridiculous and is never going to happen - but you know that class we all had to take in elementary school to prepare us for "our changing bodies"? They put all the girls in one room, and all the boys in the other. And they told us about the strange, painful and just straight up gross things that were about to happen to us in a few months or years, and then for the rest of our lives. I was personally wondering what was going on in the other room - as in, were boys finding out they were going to experience "uncomfortable" [read: excruciating] cramps every month and then bleed for five days from the penis without dying? - but that's just me. But even to this day I wonder what went on in that other room. Because for men, honestly, it's just not that complicated. Shake it, put it away, wash your hands - what else is there? Whereas for women, well...there are a lot of things to consider.

Which leads me to my point, which is that about 5 years after the "our changing bodies" class, I believe that the blossoming teenage girls should have their own follow up class. At this point they will all have their periods and be out of their training bras. By now they will have all experienced awkward comments from hormonal boys. They will have experienced either a real or attempted feel-up. They may even have heard a thing or two about a preliminary form of penetration (though they probably don't know what it's for!). And this is the time when I believe girls should be pulled aside into a little room and given the follow up class entitled - How To Have An Orgasm. 

For men, having an orgasm is so mind numbingly simple that the only thing they have to give any thought to is not having one too soon. But for women it's not quite so simple. Not by a long shot.

For most young women, an orgasm is about as real as a purple unicorn. They can imagine one. They have a concept of what it might look like to meet one. But in terms of actually running out into a field one day, jumping up and (pardon me) riding one? Not likely. 

And so begins the experimentation. The pursuit of the elusive orgasm. Sex is defined by a man's orgasm - it's how you know it's over, and that it worked. I personally didn't have an orgasm even once with my first sex partner, and I'm pretty sure he thinks we had sex. I don't think there was ever a moment that he thought, "well if she didn't quite come, does it really count...?"

But if you think about it as a race, and the orgasm being the finish line? If you never finish, you aren't really running a race. You're jogging. And even people who may appear to be running aimlessly are usually running for a purpose, be it weight loss or heart health. Because in all honestly, who the hell would run if, in some sense, they weren't actually going anywhere? Thing is, if you aren't winning, and you aren't gaining from it, that's basically what you're doing.
Just running...running...running...with no destination. Ever.

Do you know who else does this?

Hamsters do this. 

"But, wait!" say the male partners with the female partners who have never orgasmed at their hand (or any other appendage) who can't stand to have their manhood challenged or their sexual effectiveness invalidated. "Sex is still pleasurable for women without an orgasm...right? So is it really that important if she comes? She still 'oohs' and 'aahs'.... Right?" 

Easy way to put that one in perspective, ladies. Make him "ooh" and "aah" for as long as he can stand it and then, right before he climaxes, calmly stop, leave the room, and make yourself a sandwich. Hell, you can even offer him a sandwich for himself. We'll see how pleasurable sex without an orgasm is then.

I'm sure you've guessed it so I probably don't even have to bother spelling it out, but the answer to that question?


It's not pleasurable. It's frustrating. All that "ooh" and "aah"? All the squeezing, the squirming, the gyrating, the profanity, that is build up. Your job is not complete because her heart rate is elevated, she is merely primed and ready, and I'm not about to blame the lack of the female orgasm [during sex] in an overwhelming percentage of women solely on male laziness because it simply isn't true (trust me - picture me winking) but at least a healthy portion of men believe that her orgasm is neither necessary nor possible and this is simply unacceptable!

But it's down to you too, my lovely women, and more so at that, so don't break out the Cheshire Cat grin too soon. I know plenty of women who have never had an orgasm during sex before and swear that somewhere out there in the big, wide world is the man who will finally be able to make her!


The majority of his O happens on his dick, but yours? The majority of what's holding you back isn't happening inside your vagina, it's happening inside your head! And there are far better things you could be experiencing in other areas with much more regularity if you just let go, and got the hell up outta there.

Still breathing? Not angry at me, are you? Good.

Now - a little bit about me.

5% of women never experience an orgasm. Ever. Not from a man, not from a machine, not even from herself. Ever.

It's okay. Take a breath.


Up to 80% of women have difficulty achieving orgasm through intercourse alone. Most also need some kind of clitoral stimulation (also know as foreplay, which I hope you're all practicing).

Barring the foreplay - 20% rarely or never experience an orgasm from intercourse. About 50% of women manage every now and then...and other times not. Only about 25% of women orgasm consistently during intercourse.

And then you have the rare, mysterious women that supposedly only exist in romance novels. The women who manage with a man, without a man, with clitoral stimulation, without clitoral stimulation...

Who can have an orgasm by touching herself...or without touching herself...

And yes, I'm still serious.

Scientists are still baffled by what they deem "spontaneous" orgasms and calling me and those like me "phenomenons".

The truth? Even from the briefest and most disappointing sexual encounters I still manage to swing at least one orgasm. With good sex, I lose count. On my own, I'm so in touch with my body at this point that I'm an unstoppable force - I can climax with my hands tied behind my back from just thinking about good sex.

I am that elusive, purple unicorn, and I know that to many my very existence would seem completely and utterly unfair.

So I want to help...

I want to know what's getting in the way. I want to know what the average woman experiences. What position are you in? Where are your thoughts either focused on or wandering to? And in the meantime I will share my side, and any tips I can offer explaining how I became a lean, mean, orgasming machine...

And how you can too.




Talk to me. . .

For quick tips and bedroom tricks check out Orgasm Control


  1. Alright purple unicorn you asked ... I am able to orgasm, but it takes a lot of work! I have never been able to get off on fingering myself or being fingered, it takes foreplay and getting really worked up before sex starts. Then the sex has to be man on top. I prefer to have my hips odd the side of the bed and him standing. I have only come once while on top and that was in a sitting position. We typically get frustrated and resort to using a vibrator applied to the clit if we are both ready for it to end. I become dry and we have to use lube if sex lasts more that ten minutes. I can tell when he starts to lose interest and then it all just fizzles out for me too. **history: early and mid 30s, healthy, married 10 years. He was my 2nd sexual experience.

    1. Hello, babyo!

      First, thank you for sharing!!!

      Second, let’s dive right in. So it seems like you have a very good idea of what works for you during sex, what doesn’t work, and where your cut off point is. What we want to try and figure out is why these things work and/or don’t work.

      You mentioned not getting off from fingering. Could you tell me what specifically isn’t working for you? Personally, if with a less experienced (or observant) partner, fingering can be frustrating. A finger is not a penis, and when receiving a finger (or a few) in lieu of a penis it can be quite annoying. On the other hand, a penis cannot bend, flex and move quite like a finger can, so when in the right hands (you’ve got to excuse my humor) it can be quite nice. Which is why I ask what exactly you aren’t feeling. 
I have teeny, tiny (skinny) fingers, so if I try fingering myself with the classic “in and out” motion, it’s game over. However, sometimes - and to be clear, I usually pleasure myself via clitoral stimulation - I get that sense of hollowness when pleasuring myself and can’t help but to give it a go. In those instances I seek out my G spot and focus there. The pumping motion doesn’t work for me.

      If it’s a physical thing, I’d say the work should begin in finding out what your body responds to. I’m sure you’ve heard this before - that until you know what you like, it’s nearly impossible to show someone else how to please you.

      That’s assuming that it’s physical, though.

      But what if it isn’t? As I said before, you seem to have a very good idea of what works and what doesn’t. So my next question is:

      After foreplay, when sex does begin, what are you focused on?

      My first orgasm happened during intercourse without any warning. Before that, I thought I’d had one before. But once I knew what it was?! I became hungry, and started trying to achieve one on my own. And for months I could not! I would settle on my back and coach myself as though going into a football game, thinking, “Okay, this is going to be the time, I’m gonna do this…” Meanwhile, was I really paying 100% attention to any touches or feelings? No! I was thinking way too much.

      So I ask, where is your focus? This is tricky because it’s hard to change habits and expectations to have an orgasm without focusing on trying to make it happen. But if you find you’re either resigned to the fact that it won’t happen or fighting like hell to achieve it - try a new focus. Try focusing solely on what your body feels. Part of what makes me think it may be a mental thing is that you say your go-to position is man-on-top. If you were on top, you’d be able to move selfishly and accomplish exactly what you needed, but it would also make you responsible for your own pleasure and require an amount of thoughtfulness that could get in the way.

      Also, what about penetration coupled with clitoral stimulation. That may allow you to lose yourself just enough to begin to appreciate stimulation through penetration.

      In any case, try not to worry so much about the goal. Not because it won't happen, but because if you're focused on the future you may be missing out on the present - and seeing as how you're both dedicated to your pleasure to the point of breaking out the toys?! The present sounds yummy! Focus on YOU and what YOU feel, and try to stay in the moment.

      Let me know if any of this was helpful. I wish you many O’s!


      Your Resident Purple Unicorn


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