A feminine perspective on sex, love, and the elusive female orgasm.

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Taken because they're hot? Or hot because they're taken?


Girl Tested, Boyfriend Approved  

As much as I boast "size matters" (which is my personal opinion and nothing more), I wouldn't sleep with or settle down with a man based solely on his endowment. But then again, if ever I were to meet a man with a penis that had eight definitive speeds, moved in at least three unique patterns, whose base swirled and vibrated, had a 360 rotating head and NEVER went soft - I might marry him on the spot. If it did all that it wouldn't even need to be big...

Okay, yeah it would still be nice. But I digress...

It has all the joys of a penis - plus some perks - distilled into a battery operated, conveniently sized device that can be hidden in a purse (although that kind of depends on the purse) or a bedside table. Just in case the photos didn't already tip you off - this week's topic is:

The Sex Toy

The beauty of a sex toy is that it's right for any occasion. A quiet day off, or a dry spell between partners. A day in bed with your significant other, between rounds. A night you've both decided to spice it up a little. When someone's out of town and you need material for your video chat. A sex toy is almost never the wrong answer.

Show and Tell

Sex toys come in all sorts of shapes, sizes and colors, and can function very differently. While I may consider myself an expert in full lotus and floating over a lily pad when it comes to having orgasms, I don't pretend to be an expert at everything having to do with getting to them, including sex and sex toys. I can't tell you what is or is not guaranteed to work for you. For the answers to that, you've got to do the leg work. So rather than recommending sex toys the way a "sexpert" might, I'm going to do a little show and tell. (Oh no, not literally. I don't want my blog getting banned in the states...) I'm going to share what my favorite sex toy is and why (show), and then share which ones stood out for me when I did some amateur market research (tell).

My favorite sex toy can actually be seen in the photo above, in several colors, facing several directions. My personal one is pink, as in the photo below. The Doc Johnson i-Vibe Rabbit.

Source: http://www.docjohnson.com/ivibe-rabbit.html

The Doc Johnson i-Vibe has eight speeds and three functions. The speeds control both the intensity of the rabbit ears (which vibrate against the clitoris) and the speed of the rotating head, while the functions control the pattern in which the rotating head...rotates. And while all this is happening, the pearls at the base swirl around for extra sensation. Did I mention that the ears and the head vibrate/swirl at independent speeds?

I like this vibrator because it has extremely versitile use. Even if you're not in the mood for penetration (and since the vibrator is pretty girthy and a lot more unyielding than a real penis, even the slightest penetration is significant) you can still use the rabbit ears on their own. With penetration, I find it intense enough even without using any of the rotating functions. The only drawback to solo use that I personally find is that there are A LOT of buttons and settings, and once you have a firm, vibrating penis a couple of inches inside you and vibrating ears trembling against your clit, it's a little difficult to remember what button does what, and leaning over to check isn't the most comfortable thing in the world in that particular moment. 

However, when using it with a partner, my experience with the i-Vibe has been divine. All those buttons are no longer an issue when you're letting your man drive. The first time I had a boyfriend use a vibrator on me I worried that it might be awkward. That maybe he'd feel threatened - after all, it does things a normal penis cannot do (unless it's been implanted with hydraulics). What I didn't consider was that I'd basically handed him a video game. A video game that was going to bring me to multiple orgasms, making it even better than Halo or NBA Live. Not only did it take "what does this button do?" to a whole new level, using it before sex enabled us to try some positions that would normally be too much for me right away. (Attention size queens: This is a GREAT warm up option!)

Babes in Toyland

During my research I came across two toys that blew my mind. I'll have to flip a coin to decide which one will be my next purchase because I'm equally intrigued by both the We-Vibe 4 and Hello Touch

Source: http://we-vibe.com/we-vibe-4

What I love about the We-Vibe 4 is that it isn't meant to be used in lieu of a penis. It's meant to enhance the act of sex itself. It manages to vibrate against the G-Spot and the clitoris during sex, meaning your partner gets to enjoy it too. This seems like a great option for couples. It also has a crazy variety of vibration patterns and intensities. I'm having a really hard time staying on task here and not whipping out my credit card right now.

Source: http://gizmodo.com/5976214/hello-touch-may-be-the-best-sex-toy-ever-invented

But I can't, because I'm torn between that and the Hello Touch. Hello Touch is a toy that straps onto your wrist and basically turns any of your two fingers into vibrators. This is ideal in almost any situation. If you're alone it removes the hassle of figuring out which button is which - you already know where your fingers are, right? And if not, how amazing would it be if your partner had vibrating fingers? How amazing would it be if you both did? 

See? This is why I need to flip a coin...

Some think sex toys are only for the kinky, bored or dissatisfied, but I disagree. There's nothing wrong with having a little fun, and the words fun and toy kind of go together - right?

Additional information about all of the toys mentioned above can be found by clicking on their links either above or below. 

Happy vibrations, ladies. Batteries not included.

x's and many O's,


For quick tips and bedroom tricks check out Orgasm Control

Polls are open. Scroll down to Vote O School. 


No Assembly Required

From Man to Manual Override  

Disclaimer: To avoid permanent injury, please Google carpal tunnel stretches before trying any of the techniques mentioned in this post.
Yes. Seriously.

The male body is a wonderful thing. It's strong, muscular, and when aroused can reshape ordinarily mundane materials, stabilizing them to form impressive teepees. Still, with or without a man in her life, sometimes a woman has to pull rank. That is, to take matters into her own...well...


As mentioned in previous posts, the best way to teach a partner what you need in bed is to first learn it yourself. And when I say learn, I am referring to a hands-on experience. Even if you're just looking to engage in safe sex (the safest sex), or build some upper body strength, this is still a wonderful option. In terms of learning your body though, this method is ideal.

In fact, it's magnificent.

Now I literally read through 500+ euphemisms for the activity we're about to discuss (I've posted the link at the end if you're interested) and while I may throw some cute ones in here and there, I'm leading off with my absolute favorite...

Ladies - Today we are talking about Polishing the Pearl.

We've talked about how important comfort is when you're trying to have an orgasm with a partner. Trying to have one with yourself is no different. Don't just go charging into gland to hand combat thinking that roughing up the suspect is a sure road to an O. And while you're absolutely entitled to exercise your right and call in the secret service every now and then, you want to make sure you aren't getting trigger happy. I know you want to finish, but it's not a race. So slow down, DJ Diddles. Work at your own speed...

Okay, that's as many euphemisms as I can fit into a paragraph without laughing so hard I start crying all over my Mac. Okay, okay...let's get serious...

Your time with yourself is not about pressuring yourself to perform. This should be a pressure free time when you can truly discover what you want and need. If you're someone who has trouble achieving orgasm - not just from penetration, but in general - it may be a good idea to for a while to put the O out of your mind altogether.

The female orgasms is about release, not just of body, but of mind.

That means, if while you're touching yourself, all you're thinking is, "Am I doing it right? How will I know when I...? Is it happening yet? Is it going to happen? Omg, when am I going to come already!" you're just making it that much harder on yourself. Eventually when you're more familiar with the feeling you can learn to bring it on or put it off, but in the beginning stages, the most important thing is just to get to that feeling. And ironically, to do that, you need to stop thinking about it so hard. Cracking under pressure is especially unfortunate when it involves wrist joints.

Seduce Yourself

You don't have to take yourself out to a fancy dinner. (Although, honestly? Why not!) But you are seducing yourself in a very real way. So make you feel special. Be mindful of the time you choose. Are you alone in the house? Could someone walk in at any moment? Consider these things beforehand so they don't become unnecessary obstacles. Put on something that makes you feel sexy but allows for easy access. Something comfortable - no corsets. Erotic asphyxiation is for a different blog.

Have a mood set. Be careful of what's playing on TV, Netflix, the radio, or otherwise running in the background, especially if you're particularly attentive to your surroundings. I don't care how fast you can rub your fingers together - Saw 5 is a deal breaker. Also during certain times of day you may want to create some ambient noise - maybe put a fan on? - to drown out sounds from outside. Car horns, police sirens, and children running and laughing will ruin your mood if you let them. Dim the lights, maybe even light some candles. Treat yourself the way you would want to be treated by your partner - real or imagined.

Okay, so the mood is set. Now what?

I have three suggestions:


Before you start breaking out your Rabbits and your vibrating touches, take it back to basics. Kick it O School (wink) for a minute. Toys are for the experienced, and if you're still trying to figure out what your body likes, you aren't there yet. Close your eyes and let yourself imagine something that turns you on. Play a scene in your head. Hell, play a movie in your head, and see where it takes you.


Erotica - aka romance novels / aka book porn - is an option if you don't have an original fantasy to fuel your time with yourself. Erotic novels are literally everywhere (some are even free). I would suggest reading something before resorting to watching something, because it still allows you to use your imagination and ultimately visualize what really works for you.

Erotic Film

Erotic films don't necessarily need to mean porn. You can start out with something lighter, softer, like a movie with a sexual theme, or one that's very sexually charged. If you do decide to move onto porn, make sure you've taken some time to do your research and find out exactly what you like. There's A LOT out there. The time to start searching through categories is BEFORE you change into your teddy and light the candles - not AFTER. 

Once you've set the mood and made yourself as comfortable as you can be, the rest is up to you. I could start giving you tips, like place your thumb and middle finger together, there, and roll, but every woman is different. What my body loves, yours may hate, and vise versa. It's up to you to explore, discover, and eventually delight in your body's own uniqueness. 

Happy masturbation, ladies.

x's and many O's,


See 500+ Masturbating Euphemisms for a complete list

For quick tips and bedroom tricks check out Orgasm Control

Polls are open. Scroll down to Vote O School. 


Faking It

Part 3

Constructive Criticism  

Welcome to the final installment of the three part Faking It series of posts, dedicated to inspire those of you who would be growing wooden noses were fairy tale rules in play to start telling the truth about your orgasms. If you haven't already, take a look at Faking It - Part One and Faking It - Part 2 to find out why women usually decide to fake their orgasms, and why you definitely shouldn't if you ever intend to have one.

You'll have to excuse my playful and sometimes sardonic tone, because this isn't about being mean. If you've made a habit of pretending to experience pleasure, that means you aren't really feeling it. And that's unacceptable. You should be experiencing real pleasure if you want it. And I want to help you get it.

I'm a good samaritan that way. 

Now, let's talk about sex...

Acceptance and trust is imperative to achieving sexual pleasure
I'm not talking about accepting and trusting him. You need to accept and trust you!

I've said it before, sometimes men bring outside information into bed with a woman and regard baggage as resources. They mean well. They want to please and impress and sometimes even prove that they aren't still wet behind the ears. They want you to know that they know their way around a woman. Sure. It's just that not all women are the same, and we don't all respond to the same things in the same way. And if that's not enough, between TV, internet, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram (I don't social network enough to go on, but if I did, I'm sure I could...) it is far too easy to spend time finding out what "everybody else" is doing. Which isn't necessarily bad, until you start using what everyone is allegedly doing as your barometer for what you should be doing, or for what is "normal". 

Don't allow outside information - whether it comes from friends, social networks, or even from "him" - to determine what you should like in bed. Let your own body decide. 

We aren't all the same. What makes one woman come like she's never come before could easily make another women laugh hysterically. Pay attention to your body, how it reacts, and what it's reacting to. You may learn something about yourself. Accept whatever it is that you're craving or feeling and trust that it's okay. Don't be embarrassed or discouraged if the "trick" he considers a signature move kind of just...tickles. Don't doubt yourself if you want to ask for something but think it might be weird. 

And while we're on the topic of asking, that's something I want to focus on. I know I've been bashing faking orgasms and I could go on doing so for days. I don't want to be insensitive to the fact that the alternative can be difficult and embarrassing for both parties involved. So okay - what do you do when it isn't working for you?

It's true - sometimes there isn't a nice way to say you aren't enjoying something. I'll go ahead and get personal for a moment. My breasts are one of the least sensitive areas on my body. There are places on my back that elicit more of a response from me when grazed, kissed or touched. I used to feel embarrassed about it because breasts are such a hot zone. It's a sexy place of interest. I feel like if there's a "foreplay focus" field in guy's brains somewhere, "boobs" is the default setting. But when interest is focused there for me? 


I'm honest about it. I'll try to approach it lightly, usually. Maybe make a joke. Even something cheesy, just to take the pressure off. Or something stupid, like how my nipples should get unemployment checks because they aren't working. (::drum drum snare::) My goal is to communicate to my partner that it's not him. He's not doing something wrong - this just isn't something that I'm personally into. I've had success with this tactic in other areas if what was happening wasn't working for me. I communicated it as gently as I could and subtly suggested moving on. Sometimes it meant that he moved on to a different area and we continued as though the feedback had never been delivered. Other times it was motivating. It forced him to really pay attention to my body and try new things and suddenly I found that maybe I could respond in certain areas, depending on how it was approached. 

Still, while speaking up is something you should be able to do if something isn't working, at times I've found that the situation doesn't actually require a full stop. There are ways to intervene so that your partner may not even notice you've given, shall we say, constructive criticism. You may not have gotten a chance to read  Orgasm Control, but one of the quick tips that I suggest there is topping from the bottom.

You know how people say it's not what you say, it's how you say it? This is the epitome of that saying. Many times when women fake orgasms it's about not hurting their partners feelings, which they're sure speaking up and expressing that the foreplay or sex isn't working will result in. But how your partner receives what you have to say depends on how you deliver it.

Basic Principle: Rather than mentioning what isn't working for you, mention what is working. Tell him what you do like in a way that will encourage him to give you more of it.

Remember in Part 1 when we talked about what happens when you fake it? When you encourage the behaviors that you don't like in bed, you can be pretty sure he's going to keep on doing them. Not because he isn't good in bed, but because he's relying on you to know what you like and you aren't giving accurate signals. Topping from the bottom takes this and uses it to work in your favor. Instead of encouraging what you don't like, you're going to encourage what you do like...even if he hasn't quite done it yet. 

Now be careful with this one, because straying too far from what's actually happening can backfire. If he's never given you oral sex and you whisper, "ooh baby, I love it when you go down on me" he may think you're trying to Jedi mind trick him, or that you've confused him with someone else. But once he's in the right area, there's no reason you can't share what you prefer in said area.

Here are some examples from Orgasm Control:

Too fast? Don't tell him to slow down. 
Tell him how you love feeling every inch of him and watch him slow down to keep track.

Not hitting that spot? About to mutter "deeper"? Don't you dare.
Tell him that you love feeling him so deep
How deep? he'll wonder. And the next thing you know, he's in your belly.

Is he too gentle on a night you want it rough?
That's a hard feeling to communicate with words. But who said anything about talking? 
Be as aggressive as you want him to be. Squeeze him, scratch him, bite him. And when he comments on it, dare him to take the control back from you. He'll have to rise to your level and beyond to meet your challenge, and before you know it you'll have the rough night you wanted.

These are just some examples of how you can ask for what you want without making it sound like criticism.

Another idea is to wait until the sex is over for a less charged moment to talk about what you like. Without the pressure of performing in the moment, an open conversation about what pleases you should be easier. It doesn't have to be about what wasn't working the last time. In fact, the last time doesn't have to enter into the conversation at all. You can even sneak it into a playful or seductive conversation about how you like to please yourself. He'll be so into the idea that he may not even realize you're giving him pointers - until it's time for him to use them. 

These aren't the only answers to having a better sex life, but faking it certainly isn't the answer. In case you haven't noticed, I tend to be a little more open and aggressive about my sexuality. Not everyone is, and that's more than okay. You have to develop a comfort level with yourself, not just about what you like but who you are sexually. Develop that sexual identity, own it, and watch your sex life change forever. 

x's and many O's,


For quick tips and bedroom tricks check out Orgasm Control

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