A feminine perspective on sex, love, and the elusive female orgasm.

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30.7.14



Finding Your Own O

I have a friend who's identity I shall protect by calling her Pocahontas. Pocahontas has been married to her husband, John Smith, for quite a while now. She loves him very much. They have a regular sex life - by regular, I mean that sex happens regularly throughout their lives, not only on birthdays, anniversaries, and national holidays. They are even planning on bringing little crib critters into the mix soon.

Sounds wonderful, yes? And it is. Except for one...tiny...itsy bitsy little thing...

She's never had an orgasm.

Ever.

I don't mean, she's never had an orgasm during sexual intercourse. I don't mean, she's never had an orgasm from her husband. I mean - unless she's orgasmed in her sleep and just didn't realize - that she has never reached the big O. Ever! And she very much would like to get there.

So Pocahontas - this post is for you, boo. ;)

It Starts With You


You do not have to wait until you have met your next lover to start learning about what works for you in bed. You do not have to consult your boyfriend or husband, draw him a diagram or make him a color coded, "x" marks the spot Keynote presentation.

If you already know what your body needs and intercourse is the next frontier? Fine. But if you are in the camp of never having had an orgasm (ever!) and you want my advice as to what to try with your significant other? - My advice is right here:

Kick him out of the room!!!

This is not about him. This is about YOU, and you do not need HIM to find out about YOU. Got it?

Good.

This is about two things: Self awareness, and sexual confidence. Confidence will come with time, and is more about comfort with your partner and with yourself. It is about being honest about what you're feeling (or not quite feeling..) without embarrassment or shame. Once you can have that, you'll have open and honest communication. But you can't have confidence without awareness.

Why not? If you don't know your own body, what makes YOU tick, you've stripped yourself of the ability to have an opinion or be an authority on anything, every time those bedroom doors close. You have no idea if it's you, or if it's him. If a tried and true "move" of his makes you uncomfortable, hurts, or tickles, rather than inspiring the bliss it (supposedly) did for other women, you may doubt yourself and your own body's capabilities. You may think this should make you orgasm, but it doesn't because something is wrong with you. That you're weird. Or broken.

NO!

This is where knowing yourself comes in. I usually have at least one orgasm in the morning, and two to three at night. (No hate mail, please.) In a relationship or not, boyfriend sleeping over or not, I take my O's as regularly as my vitamins, thank you very much. That being said, you'd have to be a hell of a lawyer to convince that some prized technique didn't work on me because I'm wired wrong, or that I should have come, so if I didn't, maybe I just "can't".  I'm not operating under the assumption that my partner somehow knows more about my own pleasure than I do - that's why I can be sure of myself, rather than looking for validation from outside of myself or asking permission to want what I want or feel what I feel.

Because I have no trouble getting to orgasm on my own, because I am VERY aware of what works for me and what doesn't, and because I am confident in my ability to climax - I accept that not everything a man does or tries will please me. It doesn't mean I'm "wrong", it just means I'm not into it. Period. So no one can tell me differently. No one can say, "well all girls like having their nipples pulled on" or "well no other woman has ever complained that I don't go down on her long enough for her to climax", and result in me accepting a situation where I'm not being pleased and blaming myself for being sexually defective.

Confidence allows me to be unfazed by all that judge and jury talk. i.e.: "Well it worked with so-and-so, so the problem must be you." I already know who I am, so sentences that contain the words "all the girls", "the other women", or frankly any plural - because I am one - fly right over my head. As they should. Getting off is not an intellectual process or a majority rules situation, so no judge, jury, or evidence necessary. All that is necessary is an attentive partner.

Sometimes men bring outside information into bed with them. It can come from other women he's been with. It can come from porn. From movies. From books. From things he's heard from other men. They think it is experience. But it's not - every woman is different. We don't all like the same things. It's like bringing a map of Disney World to Six Flags and then wondering why you can't find anything!

That's where the confidence comes in. Once you are sure of yourself, you can have the confidence to encourage him to get his nose out of that silly map, and actually use his five senses to navigate through this theme park. You won't feel silly or confused if he insists that the roller coasters are usually over here. You can tell him that your roller coasters are exactly where they belong, thank you very much. Your layout is not wrong - he just hasn't learned his way around...yet.

But you'll have a hard time taking him on a tour of your theme park if you yourself still can't get around without the map! So learn yourself first. Explore. And try not to think too hard about it and end up limiting what you try to what you think your body should respond to. Just feel...and follow that. This is a primitive function that your body is designed to perform, so the more you dumb it down, the better. Tingly - good. Painful - bad. Itchy - weird. Follow the good. The great. The feelings you don't have words for that make your toes twitch. 

Also? Cut yourself some slack!!! Do not think that taking a while to discover your sexuality has anything to do with you or your ability to enjoy sex. We live in a patriarchal society. Notice that men aren't reading self help books about how to realize their full potential and finally have an orgasm at 38. Ask a man when his first orgasm was. You will be amazed. (Or annoyed.)

But seriously! Men are encouraged to explore their "manhood" from early ages, whereas women are encouraged to remain as ignorant about their sexuality as possible for as long as possible. This is all in a man's best interest. Men want women to be fresh until they get there. Innocent. Untouched. And - yes! - ignorant. Think about it! How can he be bad in bed if you have nothing to compare sex with him to? How can his penis be a little on the small side if it's the only one you've ever seen! A woman's ignorance is how men remain the selectors when it comes to sex. If a woman has too much information, she can use it to make decisions, and god forbid she starts doing that. Then he might actually have to be worth a damn. 

Sorry, all roads lead to feminism for me, but my point - it is not your fault or an indication that you have some underlying, physical defect if you have trouble getting to orgasm or haven't gotten there yet. This is merely a result of a society that doesn't prioritize a woman's pleasure. So...it's time to start prioritizing it yourself!

There now - off you go. Go find out about your body. You can't start asking for what you want before you know what it is, right?

Goodluck...


x's and many O's,

Belle


For quick tips and bedroom tricks check out Sex Tips

Polls are open. Scroll down to Vote O School. 

16.7.14



10 Warning Signs That Your New Beau Can't "Do The Do" 

I heard it joked about once that people should come with labels conveniently located on their skin, the way every day products are labeled. Ingredients, warnings if it contains nuts or something else that lots of people are allergic to. That some people should even come with a Surgeon General's Warning.

I second that opinion. Dating can be such a jungle sometimes, and wouldn't it be nice if while you were in the thick of it, with your machete, chopping away at all the crap to reveal the real guy, if just a little of that due diligence had already been done for you? Wouldn't it be nice if when he turned his head to signal for a table you saw a little something on his neck that said: May contain bullshit. Those who experience strong allergic reactions to bullshit should steer clear. Or if when he reached across the table to pay the check, there was a little something on his wrist that said: 3 Date Minimum - This man will flake if after three dates, he has not received sex. And you know how your carrier will sometimes send loud, obnoxious alerts to your cell phone if there's a weather crisis? Like a flash flood warning? Wouldn't it be cool if after a respectful kiss at the end of the night, you hopped in your cab and your phone started going off like mad. You checked it, and saw:

BAD IN BED ALERT
Surgeon General's Warning: Dissatisfying sex can cause headaches, frustration, loss of sleep, resentment, excessive drinking, and other symptoms consistent with complete mental breakdowns. To avoid these symptoms please steer clear of men who are chronically bad in bed. You cannot change them.
No matter what you do.
You have been warned.

Yes, yes, I agree. It would be lovely. But when it comes to being bad in bed, I believe there are a few ways that you can tell. This has nothing to do with how much or how little the man is packing, because this isn't equipment related at all. It isn't about experience or compatibility. It isn't even physical. Because when a man is chronically bad in bed it is less about his ability to be an adequate sex partner, and more about his desire to be an adequate sex partner. It is because his goals in the bedroom are about himself, and only himself. Here are a few ways to tell if you are dating that man.

1. The Kiss


Kissing is telling. Maybe not a quick kiss goodnight, or a peck hello, but if kissing turns into making out you can gauge a lot about a person's romantic style. Not sure what I mean? Is he touching your face, caressing your neck, running a finger along the sensitive skin behind your shoulder? Does he seem to be exploring and savoring you? Discovering you? Or...is he kissing you hastily. Briefly. In a get in - get out - get it over with kind of manner? Do the kisses seem more mechanical than meaningful? Go ahead and guess which kisser will likely be a better lover.

2. A Little More Conversation


When people are on the road to intimacy, especially if they (or one of them) are taking their time, eventually it will pop up in conversation. Pay attention to the way that he talks about sex. Where is his focus? Sometimes it's easier to see it in retrospect, but seriously take a look at this because I believe it is telling. When describing his past does he say, "I felt so in sync with my ex. I really understood her body." Does he say, "I like to take my time and observe my partner, so I can figure out what she needs." Or does he say, "I'm a big fan of the trashy lingerie." And things like, "I need someone who can keep things interesting for me in the bedroom." These statements aren't even necessarily about the sex itself. Not the size of the boat, nor the motion of the ocean, nor anything that his partner did or didn't do. But it does reveal his perspective. And if his perspective during sex was all about his own pleasure then, what makes you think it'll be any different with you?

3. Q & A


When you're still in the early stages and merely discussing sex, sometimes there may be a little question and answer session. I personally think this is a nice, safe way to share hopes and expectations or try and figure out whether there is compatibility before actually doing the deed. Here is another opportunity for you to pay attention to his focus! What questions does he ask, and what is he trying to figure out by asking them? Does he ask about how you like to be kissed and touched, or where? Does he ask about your interests in the bedroom? Don't get confused, because sometimes it can seem like he's asking about your interests, when really what he's doing is testing to see if you're open to his interests. Questions like, "So...are you into lingerie..." or, "How do you feel about role play?" or, "Would you ever do anything risky, like sex in public?" - These questions may seem like attempts to probe and find out about you, but questions that are about you will be very open to allow you to reveal whatever it is that appeals to you personally. Questions about your stance about very specific topics are meant to gauge whether or not you will willingly participate in things that he wants to do.
Bottom line: He's not thinking about you - only what he can do with you.

4. Haste Makes Waste


Another sign that your new man may not have any heat between the sheets - Is he rushing? It's one thing to be attracted and to be eager. If you are considering having sex with someone he better be extremely into you. But attraction isn't a good reason for an inability to keep his zipper zipped. Generally when people rush into sex, it isn't for the "just can't resist you" reasons they may use to justify the haste. There's usually some other reason.

1 - He doesn't plan on being around for very long so he's trying to get to the sex part as soon as possible. Think about it - If he's rushing to get you into bed because he knows he doesn't want to have to talk to you, listen, keep up a connection, get invested, allow things to progress and spend increasingly more time with you for much longer than a few weeks to a month - if this is his attitude about you - how do you think he's going to treat you when you're naked? If he can't be bothered out of bed, he won't be bothered in bed either! Everything about your interactions are about him, and the sex will be no different.

2 - He knows something is wrong. He may not admit it to you, or even to himself, but often people rush things subconsciously out of fear that the other person is going to "figure something out" about them. Maybe none of their relationships survive after that first few weeks. Maybe women tend not to stick around after sex, or after the first few sexual encounters (maybe because she gave him the benefit of the doubt the first time?). He may be rushing because deep down, he knows he isn't hooking ladies with his mojo, and he wants to experience sex with you before you figure it out too and leave him high and dry.

5. I Object


The way that a person handles disagreements says a lot about their character, and who a person is in life can often tell you a lot about who they are in bed. The guy that always just seems to remember little quirks and pet peeves of yours? This is the guy who will always remember where and how you like to be touched, what makes you feel uncomfortable, etc. Similarly, people who argue about the little things and do not or cannot seem to take responsibility in life are likely to behave the same way in bed.
So watch out. When that first little disagreement comes up, does he listen? Do the two of you trade ideas and perspectives and eventually reach a mutual resolution? Does he disagree before you've fully explained yourself? Does he say things like, "Oh, c'mon!" or "That's not fair!" - things that don't really offer any perspective other than that he doesn't like to be met with feedback? Do his suggestions on how to resolve things always seem to be about what you need to change?
Six months later this will be the guy that's telling you it's your fault you're not enjoying the sex, and that maybe you should figure out how to enjoy it more. If you tell him you're not confused, you just don't particularly enjoy certain things that he's doing, he'll say, "That's not fair!" and proceed to tell you why you should enjoy them. And then heaven forbid you tell him what would be enjoyable for you - things that he isn't currently doing (like performing oral sex, for example).
Guess what he'll say...

"Oh, c'mon!!!"

6. Buzz Words


If casually discussing sex turns into phone sex or sexting, again, pay attention! To you, and to him. Phone sex is a time for you to share your fantasies. It's also kind of like an improv. For those of you who didn't grow up doing Actor's Studio exercises, there's only one rule of improv - you cannot say no. You cannot contradict the scene that someone else has set up. You go with it.
Where is he trying to go with his scene? What is he trying to steer clear of? Also, watch out for the actions being performed and who is performing them. Unselfish people usually talk about themselves during phone sex in terms of action. i.e.: I would do this to you, I want to do that with you, etc. But selfish people? They will TELL you what you would be doing to them! i.e.: Now you're doing this, now you're doing that.... Sometimes they won't participate in any real way at all, instead blatantly asking, "What would you do to me if you were here?"
Be careful. If you were there, they'd be just as lazy as they are over the phone.
Also, think about how you feel after you've had phone sex with your guy. Satisfied? Excited? Anxious for when the two of you can really be together? Or do you feel uncomfortable? Frustrated? Do you notice after hanging up that your own arousal hasn't been addressed, or are you mulling over something awkward that he said or suggested he'd like you to do? If he leaves you feeling this way over the phone he will likely leave you feeling the same way in person.

7. Foreplay


So here you are, steadily making your way down the path to intimacy, and you've reached the Foreplay stop on the journey. If making out wasn't an indicator of his romantic temperament, foreplay will show you who he is in bed. Trust me - If you don't like what you see here? You need not progress!
It doesn't matter if penetration isn't happening, or if "no sex of any kind" is happening. For all intents and purposes, foreplay is sex. Foreplay is a way that both parties can achieve mutual satisfaction even though sex isn't happening, or, in a situation where you are having sex and you're just warming up, if sex just hasn't happened yet. The way that a person approaches foreplay tells you everything you need to know about who they are as a lover.
An attentive lover will kiss you, touch you, find ways to please you, take their time doing it because they enjoy doing it. When two people are doing this at the same time, there is no push and pull, no discomfort, and they are both happy.
But with a selfish lover...
He isn't touching you or kissing you. He is laying back, watching you, waiting for things to happen because he expects to be kissed and touched. This is the guy who rushes through kissing you for about a minute and then grabs your hand and places it on his erection. This is the guy who not-so-subtly suggests that "maybe you should" go down on him, meanwhile he's barely touched you.
Beware! He has no interest in your pleasure at all! You are just a means to his own end, and once he gets there, he'll think you're both "done".

8. Double Standard


People who are bad in bed tend to have a double standard when it comes to pleasure. They think that the things that please them are "easy" to do, or "not a big deal". Meanwhile the things that will please you are described as "a lot of work" or "serious".
The double standard guy is the guy who makes going down on a woman out to be some death sentence that he needs to mull over for at least six months before he carries it out, but thinks she should go down on him on the third date. This is the guy that expects you to jerk him off throughout an entire season of Lost, because it's obviously no trouble at all, and your biceps could use a little definition anyway, but then makes a confused face when you mention returning the favor. He then reluctantly "attempts" to do so for about five minutes and then poops out, telling you he's tired.
He's not tired. The reason pleasing you is a "big deal" is because he doesn't genuinely want to do anything that doesn't have something in it for him. You almost want to have sex with this guy even though the foreplay is horrible, just so that you can get off!
Don't! Not all sex is good sex, and something tells me this guy doesn't understand the first thing about pleasing a woman. Not with his mouth, hand, or any other appendage.

9. Wait & See


At this point, something intimate or sexual has happened that's got your spidey sense tingling. Your brows have risen, your senses have perked, and it has occurred to you that this guy may not have any idea what he's doing, or that what he's doing simply does not work.
If you try to talk about actually working on the sex with this guy, he may hit you with a "wait and see".
What do I mean by that? He will present you with one or more excuses as to why the sex isn't good...yet.

i.e.: "We're still getting to know each other's bodies."
Never mind the fact that if he was really getting to know you, he'd be open to the conversation.

"Sex is always a little awkward at first. It's something we just have to work on."
First, who died and made him a sex therapist? Second, since when is "working on" sex defined as ignoring your partner's concerns and proceeding to do things the same anyway.

"It takes me a while before I'm comfortable enough to really connect with someone in bed."
Ladies, if he needs time to connect, how about taking your time and not actually physically connecting until that "time" has arrived!

In short, no matter what you say isn't working for you, no matter how long it's been, this guy will always have one or more reasons to justify what's happening, always with the implication that it will get better "later on" when the two of you are in a "different place".
Don't buy it. If you do, your fulfilling sex life will be the equivalent of an asymptote. You will always believe you are approaching it, but you will NEVER get there. There will always be a reason that it can't happen today, or that it's getting put off until tomorrow.
People who genuinely want to make you happy don't just talk about doing it later or give you excuses for why they can't do it today.
They just DO it.

10. "No Complaints"


This is probably my favorite one. Ever heard a guy justify his sexual abilities by saying, "Well, I haven't heard any complaints." Accompanied usually by some shrugging motion.
I can think of some other times in life that people similarly describe their accomplishments...

Q: How'd you do on that test?
A: Well, I didn't fail.

Q: How's everything going at work?
A: Well, I haven't gotten fired.

Q: How's your medical practice going?
A: Well, I haven't been sued for malpractice yet.

You get me?

People who have good things to say about their accomplishments SAY good things! They don't resort to the worst case scenario and boast that it hasn't happened yet! They say, "I aced that test!", "I may be getting a promotion!", or "My patients seem really pleased!" If all a man has to say for himself is that he's never had any complaints, that may be true, but that may mean that no one has ever said anything GOOD about him either!

It may also mean that he HAS heard complaints, but just didn't acknowledge them.

I once noticed that a guy I was seeing had a very one-sided perspective of sex. He didn't seem to grasp that some of the things he wanted held absolutely no interest or enjoyment for me. i.e.: Posing certain ways so he could admire my body, allowing him to "finish" on me. When I said no, he'd become confused. Confused. As in Scooby Doo head motion, and then, "What?! You mean you don't like that?" Funny that when he "finished" on himself he seemed absolutely uncomfortable and even a bit grossed out. Maybe he thinks women have some sort of special nerve endings coating their skin that causes them to get off on the feeling of sticky liquid?
But I digress...
Anyhoo, when I noticed this one sided perspective I asked whether he was a porn watcher. He told me not anymore, but that he used to watch it. I told him that I could tell, because the things he liked seemed to be very one-sided, as in focused only on a man's pleasure.
His response?
"Well, I haven't heard you complaining."

But...I'd JUST complained! The very sentence he was responding to HAD been a complaint.

Which goes to show you, just because a guy says he hasn't heard any complaints doesn't necessarily make it true. If he wanted to be more accurate, he could say, "I haven't listened to any complaints".


So there you have it. Ten things to watch out for, as they may indicate that the guy you're seeing is bad in bed. Remember, these have nothing to do with equipment or experience. A very experienced, very hung man can still be a (very) bad lover. You can work with a guy until the sun explodes or talk until you're blue in the face, but if a man does not have a genuine interest in your pleasure, you can't teach him to be interested. Caring about someone other than themselves is something that people have to feel on their own. You can't argue them into caring.

Remember: Dissatisfying sex can cause headaches, frustration, loss of sleep, resentment, excessive drinking, and other symptoms consistent with complete mental breakdowns. To avoid these symptoms please steer clear of men who are chronically bad in bed. You cannot change them.

No matter what you do.

You have been warned.



x's and many O's,

Belle


For quick tips and bedroom tricks check out Sex Tips

Polls are open. Scroll down to Vote O School. 

2.7.14



Fifty Shades of Fucking Hot 

"Did you reach any conclusions?" I whisper.
"No, and right now, I just want to tie you up and fuck you senseless. Are you ready for that?"
"Yes," I breathe as everything in my body tightens at once...wow.
"Good. Come." He takes my hands and, leaving all the dirty dishes on the breakfast bar, we head upstairs.
My heart starts pounding. This is it. I'm really going to do this. My inner goddess is spinning like a world-class-ballerina, pirouette after pirouette. He opens the door to his playroom, standing back for me to walk through, and I am once more in the Red Room of Pain. 
It's the same, the smell of leather, citrus-scented polish, and dark wood, all very sensual. My blood is running heated and scared through my system - adrenaline mixed with lust and longing. It's a heady, potent cocktail. Christian's stance has changed completely, subtly altered, harder and meaner. He gazes down at me and his eyes are heated, lustful...hypnotic.
"When you're in here, you are completely mine," he breathes, each word slow and measured. "To do with as I see fit. Do you understand?"
His gaze is so intense. I nod, my mouth dry, my heart feeling as if it will jump out of my chest.
"Take your shoes off," he orders softly.
I swallow, and rather clumsily, I take them off. He bends and picks them up and deposits them beside the door. 
"Good. Don't hesitate when I ask you to do something. Now I'm going to peel you out of this dress. Something I've wanted to do for a few days, if I recall. I want you to be comfortable with your body, Anastasia. You have a beautiful body, and I like to look at it. It is a joy to behold. In fact, I could gaze at you all day, and I want you unembarrassed and unashamed of your nakedness. Do you understand?"
"Yes."
"Yes, what?" He leans over me, glaring.
"Yes, Sir."
"Do you mean that?" he snaps.
"Yes, Sir."
"Good. Lift your arms up over your head."
I do as instructed, and he reaches down and grabs the hem. Slowly, he pulls my dress up over my thighs, my hips, my belly, my breasts, my shoulders, and up over my head. He stands back to examine me and absentmindedly folds my dress, not taking his eyes off me. He places it on the large chest beside the door. Reaching up, he pulls at my chin, his touch searing me.
"You're biting your lip," he breathes. "You know what that does to me," he adds darkly. "Turn around."


- Fifty Shades of Grey, by E L James

Vanilla


For a long time vanilla sex was all I knew. Actually, personally knew. Oh sure, I knew that fetishes existed. I knew there were people and things out there in the big, bad world that might be considered kinky. The words kink and fetish also sounded like swear words to me at the time, and I felt safe and content far, far away from those words.

But then, due to my healthy appetite for reading erotica, I discovered something that shocked me. Truly, truly shocked me and has since altered me irrevocably. I discovered that there were things that went on inside the big, bad world of BDSM and D/s that intrigued me. There were some aspects of it I knew I'd never touch. But others? Others seemed perfectly natural to me. As natural as breathing. I was suddenly met with a justification for desires I'd previously suppressed and denied, and the knowledge of the many delicious ways I could have long ignored fantasies realized.

Whether you're an every-day, vanilla sex person, a proud owner of the Kama Sutra and your very own handcuffs, or an established member of the BDSM community, this post is to offer a little bit of information about what else is "out there" in the big, bad world of sex, and how you can safely navigate it as you explore your sexuality.

BDSM and D/s


BDSM is often used as an umbrella term to encompass a lot of different things. It stands for Bondage, Discipline, Sadism and Masochism. D/s stands for Dominance and submission. Sometimes these things go hand in hand. Sometimes they do not. It completely depends on the relationship and the inclinations and preferences of the individuals involved.

If you are already in a safe, healthy relationship with a significant other and would like to start exploring some things in the bedroom that are a little more "out of the box", this can be an interesting place to start exploring. Most women I know experience an innate response to dominance and authority. I experience it too. It's something that I always knew that I wanted and needed, even when I didn't know just how much of it I needed. That said, if my stamp of approval means anything, here it is!
If you are not already in a safe, healthy relationship with a significant other, but you know you'd like to explore your sexuality in this way, the rest of this post is for you. Please be VERY careful, because while sex is already risky business if you're not careful, BDSM can be every riskier.

Trust


Before you strip down and start having a sexual relationship with anyone, I would hope that you first make sure that mutual trust and respect is established. However, I understand that not everyone out there is marriage minded or relationship minded, and sometimes the only thing being considered before sex is whether it will be a good time.

This is different. A D/s relationship can only work if trust is present. The nature of a Dominant/submissive dynamic is simple - both parties have mutually decided that one person is relinquishing control to the other. Exactly how that control is relinquished is up to those individuals. Some couples live the power exchange 24/7. Some turn it on for the weekends only, or have designated days. Some practice it in all aspects of life, while others reserve it strictly for the bedroom. It is a serious matter that is discussed at length before anything physical can happen. The passage above happened nineteen chapters in, because everything up until that point was negotiating terms!

If, like me, you were introduced to this world through works of fiction, understand that as with all other romance novels you are reading a glorified, idealized version of reality. Unlike the characters in your novels, movies or TV shows, your kinky desires may not align perfectly with every single man you meet who has a vague interest in Dominance/submission. There are many different flavors. Make sure you are honest with yourself and your potential partner about what you will and will not accept. Be sure to talk about both your limits, and make sure you have safety measures in place (safe words) in case someone is uncomfortable while things are already underway.

While it can read very hot on paper, it is only so because the ideal Dominant is a responsible individual who knows and respects their submissive's wants, needs and limits. A Dominant must be able to assume this responsibility readily, and a submissive must be able to trust their Dominant in order to submit in good faith. Without this, without trust, this kind of play can get dicey, dangerous and even abusive.

To avoid validating certain sites over others, I will simply say that if you are interested in exploring the other flavors, the Chocolate, the Rocky Road and the Karamel Sutra, there are plenty of resources online and lots of educational literature that can give you an informed, balanced idea of what to expect should you actually try it.

Don't knock it - a spanking can be absolutely lovely. Just make sure you trust who you try it with.



x's and many O's,

Belle


For quick tips and bedroom tricks check out Sex Tips

Polls are open. Scroll down to Vote O School. 

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