A feminine perspective on sex, love, and the elusive female orgasm.

!!!NEW!!! The Problem With "Casual" Dating

!!!Brand Spankin' New!!! - Blow Job Week

5 First Date Faux Pas

Keeping it Cuming in a Couple

Taken because they're hot? Or hot because they're taken?

26.8.15


It's nice to sit on the couch together. But even better to do it on the couch.


The last thing anyone wants their significant other to think or feel is that they don't have a good sex life. Granted, sex isn't thee most important aspect of a relationship (what's that? No, my eye isn't twitching...) but it is a very significant part. This usually isn't a problem to incorporate when relationships are new. Both people are excited, both are (whether they acknowledge it or not) on their best behavior, and as a result both are willing to make regular sacrifices to prioritize sex, whether it's staying up later than usual, sleeping over on a weeknight or waking up super early to fit some romance in before work. 

After a while though things "calm down" and before you know it you're counting the number of encounters you've had with your partner this month rather than this morning. And it makes sense. Sometimes life gets in the way and conditions just aren't conducive to love making. You plan a romantic dinner but you both get a little too tipsy and accidentally fall asleep in your clothes when you get home. Oops. Or somehow someone got food poisoning at the restaurant. Needless to say that's not sexy. Or someone had to work late beforehand, so you ended up going out later than anticipated, and you want to, of course you want to, but you reeaalllyyy have to wake up early in the morning because of the thing that you have, bla bla bla...

And so on and so forth. 

Now according to psychologists (and, if you're a fan, Aziz Ansari) it's normal for relationships to start off with something called passionate love and eventually calm down into something called companionate love. And while there are all sorts of different types of love involving a variety of pairings of passion, commitment and intimacy, and ideal relationship - or consummate love - includes all three.

So if you find yourself committed and spending plenty of time being close, but just not quite doin' it, what can you do to keep up the passion?

Break the Routine


Do something different! If you always follow the same routine things will begin to feel routine, which is another way of saying no longer exciting. Remember that thing that used to come before sex? You know...foreplay? Remember? That starts way before you actually get into bed. If you're just going about your day: work, come home, eat dinner, watch tv, possible window for sex - foreplay is being ignored. Try going for a drink nearby, going for a walk or having a little night picnic. Make sure you're deliberately making time to start your banter and flirtation and let it flourish throughout your evenings.

Make it a Priority


If other things are getting in the way of sex, that means sex is low down on the priority list. Sad face. Instead, elevate its status. Make sex your trump card. If you're supposed to be getting ready to watch a movie but there's a sexy tension happening - let it happen! The movie will still be there when you're done! Middle of the movie? Pause the movie! Getting ready to meet friends and you're both getting spruced up and maybe seeing your partner sprucing is getting you turned on? Get turned on, be fashionably late and super happy when you get there. Sex is more important! (Oh look, my eye stopped twitching.)

Build Anticipation


This can mean different things to different people. For some it may mean making some kind of romantic plan in advance and looking forward to it. For others it may mean sending choice text messages throughout the day to look forward to the end of the day. For me, a little space does the trick. Spending time relaxing alone or participating in an activity on my own makes me feel excited when I see my partner...and take that word however you like. A little time apart means separate experiences to share and talk about, appreciation for someone if you haven't seen them in a day or two. Maybe a little pent up tension. And then - yay! Sexy time.

All in all it's great to be in something stable, but that doesn't mean you can't still have an exciting sex life. So keep it cuming, and if all else fails there's always couple's sex toys...

Which is actually not a bad solution at all, in fact, check out my post Batteries Not Included if you're not sure where to start. 

;)



x's and many o's,

Belle



Sources:

18.7.15


Why do singles find people in relationships so much more attractive than other singles? 

I love talking to married men. Ten minutes into a conversation with a guy I’ve never spoken to before, if I feel 100% comfortable, he hasn’t hit on me or commented on my physical appearance once, he’s been an incredible listener and he’s offered witty and insightful elements that have encouraged the conversation to flourish, I automatically assume he’s either married or in a very committed relationship. So far I’ve only been wrong once, and that incredible man is now my partner (so points for precognition). I love talking to married men for the same reason I love talking to gay men - we’re really talking. I don’t feel like I’m a fortress who’s security system is being secretly tested by ninjas while he distracts me with small talk. It’s just genuine conversation. Exchanging thoughts, opinions, ideas, experiences, jokes, and so on.I’ve always been respectful of other people’s relationships, but I can’t pretend that before I met my partner I never looked at some of these fabulous men and wondered why I never met someone like that who was actually available. For me, there was a predatory quality I found in single men and an indifference to platonic conversation that turned me off. But people in committed relationships were interested in nothing but platonic conversation with me and were therefore more attractive. I’m not the only one to ever feel this way. A lot of singles feel like they always fall for people who are already taken, and a lot of people in relationships feel like more people became attracted to them once they became committed than when they were single.But why is that? 


Are all the good ones taken?



One simple answer is that wonderful people are more desirable and naturally get swept up before the rest. I strongly disagree with this, though. Although there are definitely singles with characteristics that can restrict a person to the singe life (i.e.: stubbornness, selfishness, inability to compromise) there are many more singles that are wonderful people and would clearly be wonderful partners were they with someone they loved. Similarly, while there are definitely fabulous people in relationships, there are also people in relationships that are actually not so fabulous. 

I once met a guy with a group of friends who I thought was really great. We hit it off talking about our passions, where we wanted to go with our careers in the future, and then later in the evening some flirting started. It really felt like there was something there. And then he sheepishly mentioned his girlfriend. The thing was that he kept flirting, and even asked for my number, claiming that I would just be his “very beautiful friend.” ::Raises eyebrow::

So no, singles can’t be attracted to people in relationships simply because they’re taken, as being taken doesn’t automatically mean they’re in the top tier in terms of relationship material. 

Is it a forbidden fruit thing?


We’ve all heard it - people want what they can’t have. But why is that exactly?

Natalie Lue is a (fabulous) author and blogger that I follow, who believes that finding yourself attracted to unavailable people is actually a clue as to your own unavailability - that unavailability often being an umbrella term encompassing everything from trust issues and commitment issues to abandonment issues. Pia Melody, author of Facing Love Addiction also agrees that when you have unhealthy relationship patterns, you will be attracted to people who fit into and reinforce those patterns. But as you start to develop healthy habits you’ll notice that they type of person you’re attracted to changes. 

Could it be that singles who are attracted to people in relationships aren’t really unable to find other singles that they like, but rather are subconsciously ensuring their single status by only developing relationships that they know can’t really lead anywhere? This potential explanation would also explain why singles who are serial daters or vocally anti-commitment also somehow become “forbidden fruit”. 

Do some singles use relationship status as Yelp for dating?


Singles who really are looking for partners may have certain criteria that they’re after. Sweet, caring, good listener, generous, loyal, etc. Things is, these characteristics are easiest to see in people who are already involved. The guy who immediately mentions his girlfriend when you ask if that seat is taken is obviously loyal. The woman setting up a surprise for her unsuspecting boyfriend is obviously generous. The husband who can describe every detail of his wife’s work is obviously a great listener. And so on and so forth. 

But with singles, it’s hard to tell who they’ll be in relationships. You kind of have to wait and see. Some people are extremely thoughtful when it comes to friends and family, but have the tendency to take significant others for granted. Some people glitter and sparkle around strangers, hanging on their every word, but have trouble focusing on the people close to them as a consequence. For people who are wary of waiting for people to unfold in a relationship, it’s less scary to just observe a person who’s already in one.

This ends up being the dating version of Yelp. You use the relationship the person is already in as a vetting tool to see if they have the qualities you want in a partner of your own. The problem is, unless one of the qualities in your search criteria is “abandons relationship for any interested party who lays on lots of attention” you’re probably not getting reservations to that restaurant. 

Are people in relationships happier?


This one has always fascinated me, and I honestly think it might be a thing. Some say that people in (good) relationships tend to be more attractive, even at a glance, because they’re happy. 

When they walk, they’re smiling. Maybe they have a tender look in their eye when they check their phone. Maybe there’s a content aura to them, even if they’re sitting in a public place alone. Perhaps it’s that they’re in such good spirits when you talk to them, or that they tend to be optimistic and encouraging rather than pessimistic and prone to making bad situations worse. 

Those qualities all seem pretty attractive indeed!

Do people in relationships approach new friendships with less self interest?


I’ve heard the phrase “the best relationships start off as friendships” all the time. Mine sure did. And it makes sense. People want to get to know the person they end up dating, and they also want that person to get to know them. 

Remember when I said that single men turned me off when I was single, because they gave off a predatory vibe? What I meant by that, is that single men (especially on dates) only wanted to get to know me in a very specific way. Questions were always centered around the finish line. “So what are you looking for in a man?” “So how long do you usually wait before having sex with someone?” “So what was your last relationship like?” “How would you describe your sex drive?” Or comments that were clearly tactical. “I’d love to cook for you - you should come over some time.” “So if you want I can come over before hand so we can relax a little before we go out.” “I know this great little coffee shop right by my apartment.” “Do people compliment you a lot?” “I get so nervous around you, you’re so beautiful.” 

Relationship history interrogation, excessive complimenting and back-to-my-place battle ship is not a conversation! It’s awful. It’s more than just unattractive and boring. When you’re dating and that’s how things are going, it’s like you’re on the same date over and over and over again. It’s exhausting. 

Which is why talking to people who are already committed can be such a breath of fresh air. They not coming at the situation with an agenda, which leaves room for real conversation to blossom and true friendships to form. You actually learn about the other person. Their interests (besides you), their hobbies, their sense of humor. 

Overall, I think there are a lot of reasons that many singles may find people who are in relationships more attractive than other singles. I don’t think it’s purely about the relationship status in most cases, though. I think that already being involved and committed allows people to bypass superficial, sexual and goal oriented pursuits, and instead skip right to the genuine, interpersonal interactions that people looking to settle down are craving. Tie that in with a usually positive attitude and that’s a pretty attractive package deal.

But it’s nothing that single people can’t project as well! Some people already manage it whether they’re in relationships or not (romantic wink to my love).

So keep this in mind the next time you go on a date or meet someone new, and share this post with all the singles you know!

The dating pool should get more attractive in no time. ;)


x’s and many o’s,



Belle







17.6.15

"Women do not want to be tricked into having sex!" - Linda Belcher




So I was watching Bob's Burgers a while ago (after romantic activities with my boyfriend sweetly laying across my lap) when I came across Linda Belcher uttering the most beautifully feminist statement I've ever seen in an animated comedy. 

"Women do not want to be tricked into having sex!"


"YES!" I shouted, so loud that I may or may not have startled my lounging lover, though I certainly jostled him quite a bit.

But I couldn't help myself, because it is so true! We do NOT want to be tricked into having sex - nor does anyone. The very idea that one person would deliberately deceive another to get them to undress and get physically intimate with them is horrifying. 

And yet it happens. In fact, if you Google it (and unfortunately, when you do, you'll see that there is much more material out there to help men trick women into having sex with them) you will see that people are so comfortable with the idea of into tricking people into sex that they're practically writing How-To's. 

To be clear, as adults we are all 100% responsible for our actions and our decisions. Having sex with one outcome in mind and not getting the outcome you hoped for after the fact is not the same thing as being tricked into sex. i.e.: If you slept with someone thinking it meant you were now a couple, or that you would now start seriously dating, but they had a different more casual view, this does not mean you were tricked. 

What I'm talking about here is clear and deliberate sex fraud. (Yeah, I just made that up...so let's run with it!) 

Sex Fraud: When a person intentionally misrepresents themselves and/or their circumstances to get someone to have sex with them. 

So when I talk about sex fraud, I'm talking about going on dates with someone for three weeks expressing your serious interest and talking about the future, and not mentioning that you actually live in a far away state and are just visiting some friends for the month. I'm talking about not mentioning your significant other to the person you're cozying up to at the bar. I'm talking about lying about significant information, like your job, or even people you may know in common (maybe you know they used to date a friend of yours but you're worried they wouldn't get involved with you if they knew). I'm even talking about the simplest of lies - the old, "I'll call you." 

When it comes to sex, for some reason lies from little to huge are considered fair game, and it is each individuals sole responsibility to be their own PI's. Sex Fraud isn't taken nearly as seriously as other types of fraud, such as credit card fraud, which is ridiculous because if you steal my credit card I can freeze it and order a new one. I can't order a new vagina. I suppose I could freeze it but...

Yeah. That would suck. 

Sex is significant, and whether or not you as an individual hold the same ideals and values about sex as others, you still need to respect the possibility that the person you could potentially get involved with could face serious consequences after sex and give them an opportunity to consent

We've heard this word before, right? Consent. As in not rape. As in, the person you're having sex with wants to have sex with you!

Consent is usually pretty explicit but there are times when a person quite simply cannot consent to sexual activity.

Here are some helpful examples:

- A person who is unconscious cannot consent to sex.

- A person that is so heavily under the influence of drugs or alcohol that they cannot responsibly participate in their own reality (i.e.: can't walk, can't talk, can't tell you who is President or starts giving you their email when you ask for their address) cannot consent to sex.

- A person who does not have all the information, or does not have the accurate information about the situation they are to participate in cannot consent to sex.

When you lie or otherwise deceive someone to get them to have sex with you, you have taken away their ability to consent, as the situation they think they're consenting to is not the real situation. 

Disagree? Let's talk about credit card fraud for a second...

You be Bob. Let's say you're Bob, and you're home, and you're broke. Sorry, Bob. You need money, and you need it fast. So you go online and take a screenshot of the Chase bank logo, and slap it onto an email that you send to me later that day. In the email, you tell me that I need to confirm my password, lest my account befall some terrible fate. Your hope is that I will receive the email, send you my password, and that you will magically gain access to my funds to go snowboarding or whatever it is you want to do with my money. 


(By the way never respond to those emails with your information. Always go to the legitimate site. And Bob, if you're out there - stop!)

As Bob, you know you're doing something wrong, because you've lied. And you know that you lied because there was no way you could have gotten what you wanted otherwise. NO WAY! You know damn well that if your email, sans that Chase logo, had said, "Hey pretty lady. I'm Bob and I'm broke. Can you spare $6,578.23?" you would have gotten a horrified "NO!"

Similarly, if you are the person pretending not to have a spouse; if you are the person pretending they are a townie when you're really from another country; if you are the person pretending this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship when you're a one-night-only kind of person - you are just as bad as Bob. And even if you won't admit it upfront, deep down you know you're wrong, because if you really believed the person you're lying to would have sex with you if they knew the truth, you'd feel no need to lie. 

There are lots of sexy people walking around this world, and we're all in different places in our lives, looking for different things. Probably the most annoying thing when you're a victim of sex fraud is that the person deceiving you could have gotten what they wanted from someone else without lying. Or worse, you do want the same thing that they do, the same one night stand, fling or affair,  but because they lied now you can't continue things with them out of respect for yourself. 

Want casual sex? Go get it! Want to have an affair? Go have it! (In France. Just kidding...) But whatever you do, be awesome about it, and do it honestly. 

Otherwise you're just a big old Bob. 




x's and many o's,

Belle

(No Bobs were physically harmed during the writing of this post.)



22.4.15


Are You Riding Casually? Riding Dirty? Or Being Taken For a Ride?


Nowadays not everyone is looking for a relationship - and that is more than 100% okay. 

But...they still want to have sex. Again - more than 100% okay!

What isn't okay, is when casual sex isn't really casual, because it doesn't mean the same thing for both parties involved. 

So, let's talk about casual sex, and what it actually is. 

Casual Sex IS:

- Mutual. Both parties are on the same page about how they feel and what they want out of the arrangement. 

- Respectful. Both parties are behaving in a way that makes them both comfortable. 

- Casual! Though mutual agreement of the "terms" and respect is required for it to proceed successfully without it being a form of coercion or abuse, the term implies that nothing more than the act of sex itself (or any other benefits) is expected unless otherwise specified and agreed upon by both parties. This means that emotional progression is not expected. Exclusivity is not expected. In fact, continuation of the arrangement itself is not expected. 

Casual Sex IS NOT:

- A label that can be applied retroactively. If you've been dating someone for a while, things are progressing, and sex happens in line with that progression, you can't turn around one day when you're ready for a break or an exit and say, "but I thought it was casual". It isn't a parachute to help you jump out of a commitment that you weren't ready for. 

- A backdoor to a relationship. If you want a relationship with someone, but no-strings-attached sex is all that's on offer - DO NOT start getting busy with the idea that one day it will blossom into the relationship you want. It most likely won't, and you'll end up getting hurt and feeling taken advantage of. 

- An umbrella term that encompasses behavior such as cheating, dishonesty about the existence of other partners, or getting people to have sex with you using coercion or lies. "Casual" sex is only casual and no-big-deal if both parties are on board and feel respected. There's a difference between being casual and being a straight up liar. 

So, are you having casual sex?

Here are some ways to tell...

If you are saying or doing things that you don't mean to make sex happen - you aren't having casual sex. 

If you're waiting for the right time to bring up your deep feelings - you aren't having casual sex. 

If you're completely honest with your casual partner about everything...except your wife - you aren't having casual sex. 

If you use sex to debase people and make yourself feel powerful - you aren't having casual sex. 

If however you are...

Completely comfortable with the idea of "no commitment" - you're having casual sex!

Okay with the casual arrangement stopping at any time - you're having casual sex!

Honest when your casual partner asks you about other people - you're having casual sex!

Sure that your casual partner is not interested in more than what you have to offer - you're having casual sex!

Why do these things matter? Why does honesty matter, why does consideration matter? If it's casual, shouldn't you not have to worry about all this stuff. 

Well...no. 

Casual doesn't equal a complete and total disregard for the well being of others. People have the right to know if you have other sex partners so they can protect themselves from STI's. Do not assume that your partner, whoever they might be and however they might seem, is comfortable with casual sex. You might think you met a fun partner for the weekend, and they might think they met their soulmate, and that's why they were willing to go to bed so early even though they typically don't. Be careful. Keep it on the up-and-up. Don't talk about next weekend, or next month if you don't even intend to stick around for next morning. 

It's not that hard, really. Just be honest. Be respectful. And be careful, both physically and emotionally, when you're being casual. 

x's and many o's,



Belle



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