A feminine perspective on sex, love, and the elusive female orgasm.

!!!NEW!!! The Problem With "Casual" Dating

!!!Brand Spankin' New!!! - Blow Job Week

5 First Date Faux Pas

Keeping it Cuming in a Couple

Taken because they're hot? Or hot because they're taken?

8.12.16

Why I do not believe in blow jobs as a substitute for sex while on my period

Over the summer I dated a guy very casually, and things were going well for about a month. I had just gotten out of something and wasn't looking for anything serious, and he was...well...working in finance and had the kind of self importance that people who achieve wealth at a young age sometimes have that kept him rather self involved. Still, the occasional once or twice a week hookups were working for both of us. 

Then, one holiday evening he invited me over. I informed him that I was out with friends and that tonight wasn't good, but he insisted that he really, really wanted to see me. I then called informing him that I was on my period and wasn't up for sex of any kind tonight. He asked me to come over anyway. I took that opportunity to restate my original stance because we were only really hooking up and had never hung out without sex. I made it as plain as I possibly could that nothing was going to happen. He insisted that he hadn't seen me in a while, missed me, and just wanted to chill. Thus, after my evening with my friends I headed to his apartment. 

We watched some shows in bed like we usually did, and as it started to get late I assumed that we'd be going to sleep. This is when he started to put the moves on me - moves I'd already told him I wasn't interested in. When I reminded him that I already told him I wasn't up for sex of any kind (translation: he wasn't getting an hour long blow job just because I was on my period) and he finally realized I wasn't going to be pressured into it, he got very upset. As in pouty, petulant, not a word or a kiss on the forehead when he left for work upset. 

The next day I got a text two paragraphs long describing his genuine "shock" that I would decline to "please him" and that a woman has never left him to "finish himself off" before. 

At first I chalked it up to his own personal entitlement, but there was a bit of a nagging feeling because there had been one other time that a man had expressed a sort of shock at my declining to accommodate him in this way during my period. So I did a handy dandy Google search, and wouldn't you know it?! 

This is a thing! 

It's a real push/pull situation. I read blog upon blog, forum upon forum where wives who hate blowjobs complained and pleaded for help with their husbands who know they really have a problem with it but still expect a week of blowjobs when they're on their periods. 

So here's what I have to say about the bullshit concept known as blow job week. 

Please share it with men and women alike. 

5 Reasons I Am Against Blow Job Week

1. Because sex is not my job.

Sex happens in a relationship out of mutual attraction, desire, love, etc. Not because the people involved are in some sort of indentured servitude to each other and required to "please" each other under any and all circumstances. That said, looking down at your erection as though it is some problem that the woman you're with is obligated to solve is highly inappropriate, assuming you have not hired said woman for that specific purpose. 

Additionally, oral sex out of obligation feels completely different than oral sex that you elect into because you want to do it. A period blow job is not foreplay, it is the main event, meaning the man receiving said blow job expects it to continue until he ejaculates. So now, not only are you asking a woman to perform oral sex out of some sort of obligation, you're also saying that she has to continue until you're done - not stop when she is done - which is pretty fucking ridiculous. 

I am not a sex worker, and my period is no excuse to treat me like one. 

2. Because a blow job is not the only option when a woman is on her period.

As convenient a solution - if you are a man, that is - as a blow job seems, it is not the only option during period week.

First, not all men have a problem with period sex. In fact, the majority of my partners have not, to varying degrees. For some it meant shower sex. For others, fresh out of the shower sex, on a towel. For others, no pre-sex shower required. Some were even comfortable performing oral with a tampon in (or without, though I'm not comfortable with receiving complete oral on my period.) Granted, they were French. Gotta love the French...

If not, there's always the backdoor, and sometimes I prefer that over vaginal sex. 

Either way, there are lots of other options that allow sex to remain a reciprocal experience. 

As it should be.

There is no reason that my period need become an excuse for a penis to become the be all end all of my sex life for five days a month, while my quivering little body remains untouched and my sexual desire goes completely unacknowledged.

3. Because male arousal does not trump female arousal.

Did you know that some women are the most horny when on their periods?

I am one of those women. I'm super aroused the entire time, feeling a bit more adventurous in bed, having extremely vivid dreams that leave me super hot and bothered upon waking, you name it. Never is my sex drive higher than those 3-5 (or, when off of birth control, 5-7) days. 

The whole argument behind blow job week is that a man shouldn't have to go without sexual satisfaction just because a woman "can't" have sex this week, right?

First, we've already debunked the argument that a woman can't enjoy sexual satisfaction on her period. Rather, some partners just aren't down to facilitate those possibilities. 

That being said, if I can suffer through a week of constant arousal without the satisfying release I desire from a partner, then so can you!

Just because a man's arousal is more visibly apparent doesn't make it more real than a woman's arousal, and while we don't have a taboo phrase like blue balls to throw around to guilt our partners with, it is not comfortable for a woman to get worked up to the brim and then not engage in sexual activity. And no, it isn't the same for us to finish ourselves off either. 

Performing oral sex makes me want to have sex! It's foreplay! It's extremely arousing. It works me up, and it's super unfair to ask me to do that to myself during a time when my body is humming with sexual energy, only to then ask me to finish myself off when I'm done satisfying you because you deem me unfuckable at the moment. 

Which brings me to reason number four...

4. Because it requires me to be tacitly complicit with my own body shame. 

Where did we get the idea that periods are gross? We are not living in biblical times, and we are not in high school anymore. There is no need to say things like "aunt flow" has come to town, or otherwise invent cute little ways to avoid making others cringe a bit and go "ewwww." Periods are not "ewwww!" We do not need brightly colored, adorable tampon applicator wrappers, nor do we need to hide them up our sleeves on the way to the bathroom to avoid the - what? - humiliation of being on our periods? 

That's madness. This is the miracle of life, damnit. How dare you try and make me ashamed of something that is a natural part of life; the product of one of the most amazing fucking things my body can do. 

Do I expect you to go down on me during and lap it up like a starving dog? No.

But I do not expect body shame. I do not expect to be treated like a pariah. I do not expect to be made to feel unattractive, unfuckable or otherwise "gross" when on my period. And I certainly do not expect to be asked to perform on my knees during this time as though it's some kind of natural consequence that follows from being temporarily unfuckable, especially not when men are cuming in women's faces all over the internet. 

I don't like double standards, so hear me and hear me well...

If you think it's sexy to ejaculate on a woman's face but the word period makes you cringe, you need to confront your gender bias and think twice about being squeamish about her bodily fluids. 

Thank you very much. 

5. Because all things considered, I should be getting pampered during period week, not the other way around!

Ummm...are we forgetting that women on their periods are experiencing constant, aching pain, usually more intense during the first few days? Are we forgetting that because of hormones going mad, women are experiencing various levels of exhaustion, heightened sensitivity to smell, food cravings, food aversions, nausea, lower back pain, and the most common symptom of all - cramps?!

Period sex actually helps alleviate menstrual cramps - orgasms are nature's pain killer. And no matter the day or how heavy the flow, menstrual bleeding usually slows down when a woman becomes aroused. 

But again, even if you aren't an advocate of period sex, how the hell did we end up with blow job week?!

When your partner has a cold, you make them soup and tea and wrap them up in a fuzzy blanket. When your partner has a headache, you turn out the lights, fetch them the Advil and grab them a cold compress. When your partner falls and sprains their ankle on black ice, you wrap up that little foot in an ace bandage, alternate between ice and heat accordingly and bring them the remote that's just out of reach.

But when your partner has her period you... ask for a blow job?

Hello, patriarchy?!  

Women are enduring something that is inconvenient, uncomfortable and painful, and rather than being fanned on lily pads as they facilitate the miracle of life, they are being asked to get on their knees and suck dick because said miracle is keeping their man from his orgasm? 

This is the time for male partners to warm up hot water bottles, offer lower back massages, give breast massages, (a tantric experience you can both enjoy - a thank you!) assist in fetching the weird snack cravings and reassuring their women who feel like little baby whales washed ashore that they are indeed still beautiful. Not making them feel even worse by making sour lemon face for three to seven days at the mention of sex while at the same time demanding that their own sexuality be validated and satisfied.



Not into period sex? To each his own. But regardless of the time of the month, you are never entitled to a blowjob. As I've said before, E to E (erection to ejaculation) sex is not sexy, and is the reason that women in heterosexual relationships experience less sexual satisfaction than women in same sex relationships. I think I speak for all the women in hetero relationships when I say I'd like to close the fucking gap. Which shouldn't be hard, considering. ::wink::

Come on guys, you're better than this! Your dicks are not the be all and end all of sex, not even during a woman's period. So use your smarter heads, step away from your egos, and offer your menstruating women some damn support. 

And no, a pillow for her knees doesn't count.




x's and reciprocal O's,

- Belle

I was serious about the breast massage, ps. Links below.

You're welcome.

19.3.16

A casual relationship is as much of a personal choice as a committed one.

Don't confuse being "open minded" with straight up stepping all over other people's boundaries.


So, back in the day, relationships were a lot more clear. More defined. Courtship, for example, was so standardized that both parties going in knew exactly what to expect, and more importantly, what was expected. "So what are your intentions?" was a normal question on the first date. None of this twelve dates in and still not knowing if it's "okay" to bring that "stuff" up yet.

As relationships become more varied, as lines become blurred, it becomes more difficult early on to figure out just what the other person's intentions are. The other thing that gets difficult is making sure that both parties have consented to what they're participating in.

For example, if you ask a woman out in a date, consent seems very clear. You asked her on a date. She said yes. Boom. Done.

Except...since dating has changed so much, it isn't really clear anymore what being asked out on a date means, and if you choose to assume you know what it means you may end up anywhere from annoyed, frustrated, to shattered if your definition differs from that of the person asking you out.

As far as I'm concerned, date is a date. Hey do you wanna meet up for coffee sometime is like, I'm not sure if I'm interested, but maybe. Let me get to know you a little better. Hey a bunch of us are going to bla bla bla bar later, you wanna join us? is, I want to spend time with you with all my other friends. Could be leading to a date. Could be that he just sees you as a friend. Could be that he's hoping you'll take too many shots and then he'll get one. Hard to know before proceeding. Hey wanna come over and watch a movie? could be, Hey I wanna spend time with you but I'm not in a place financially that I can take you out the way I might want, so I'm gonna host instead. It could be, I don't really feel like doing the whole "dinner" thing. It's just a lot of work, you know? Can't you just come over and chill inside? If you really liked me it wouldn't matter whether we went out or not. Or it could be, Read the subtext. This is a booty call. Again, hard to tell until you get there.

But a date. A date?! Is a date! A date is, I am asking you to dinner because I am interested in getting to know you romantically, and I am serious about my interest, and to show you that I'm serious and to facilitate the direction I'm hoping things with us will move in, I'm formally asking you for a DATE!

That's what date means to me. Unfortunately not everyone out there agrees with the definitions above.  There are a lot of people out there who date casually, who date multiple people at once, who date inside open relationships and marriages, who date looking for a polyamorous situation, or who "date" but what they're calling dating is just multiple booty calls with multiple people on repeat. To be clear - I don't think it's unfortunate that these less conventional forms of dating exist. What is unfortunate, to me, is that some people don't realize that to approach all of these situations the same way doesn't make any sense, and is actually very unfair to whomever you might be approaching. 

Because no one asks you out and says, "Hey you wanna go on a few dates, probably explore each other sexually at some point, but not develop any feelings or attachment?" Or, "Listen my girlfriend and I are in an open thing. So if you wanna date casually for a few months, that's fine. She's my priority though." Or..."Hey, you seem really nice and sweet. Here's my husband. Would you want to join us? Indefinitely?"

Or, one that I'd heard of but never thought would happen to me until it did, "Hey look I'm going on a vacation in two weeks but I'd really love to see you again before I leave. I've never met anyone like you and I really want to make you a priority. Can I take you to dinner before I leave? Oh, by the way, my vacation is two months long, or at least that's what I'll tell you upfront because really I can stay gone indefinitely, I'm probably gonna drag it out for four months or so. Oh, and by the way, when I get back it'll only be to tie up some loose ends and then I'm planning to move to the place I'm vacationing. Oh, and the place I'm...ahem...moving? It's on the other side of the world. So you excited about dinner?"

Yeah. Watch out for that ladies. It's no fun being catfished into a long distance relationship.

But I digress...

On your end, on the lady end, or the person-being-asked-out end, this means you cannot be afraid to ask questions. Ask questions! You have every right to ask what a person's intentions are when they ask you out. You have every right to ask what they want with you, or where they see it going. You aren't needy for this, or wrong for this. When you don't do this, you're basically telling them, "Hey, you're perfectly entitled to have me in whatever way you like, so entitled that I'm not even gonna ask what that way is." Uh uh. ASK QUESTIONS!!! Ask a lot of them, and as long as the other person is straight with you, then fine. You two (or three, or seven) will work it out, whether in the same town or on a 12 hr time difference. Whatever is agreed.

But the responsibility is not soley on the person being asked out, and this is where I see problems. For some people who practice, let us call them alternative forms of dating, they don't see them as completely different ways of doing something. They kind of see it kind of like a totem pole, where dating multiple people at once would be entry level, and then dating really casually with no expectation of...well...anything would be first tier, and then a committed relationship would be second tier, etc. Either that, or they assume that because they are okay with their dating preference, that everyone is okay with it, or should be, so they don't bother to ask questions or disclose information early on because they assume that whoever they are asking out not only can but should be okay with whatever it is that they have in mind. Or worse yet, they believe that their style of dating is "evolved" and have no qualms delivering condescending lectures to those who haven't been "enlightened" yet

You know you're dealing with someone like this when you have the "defining the relationship" conversation. Except it isn't a conversation. It's them telling you - informing you, practically - what kind of relationship you have, typically after it's already been underway long enough for expectations to form.

If two people are points A and B with a line between them, most healthy relationships involve each person moving away from their respective points and meeting in the middle. You know when you're dealing with someone who wants an entire relationship on their terms when they dig their heels in and do everything they can do drag you the whole way across the line. It doesn't feel good to be dragged somewhere you really don't want to go, and when it happens it usually looks like manipulation, ultimatums, condescending tones, a lot of "defining the relationship" talks that contradict each other and seem to kind of "reset" the situation to a different status, and usually the person being dragged not being happy with the situation most of the time but hanging on because of promises of what they do want or a fear that they've already invested too much to leave. 

Here's the thing:

You don't get to decide what someone else should be okay with. You don't get to determine that friends with benefits should be enough for someone, or dating you and being physically intimate with you while you're being physically intimate with everybody else should be fine with them. It's true for dating, and it's true for sex - it isn't healthy if it's only happening on one person's terms.

Deciding to date someone is like deciding to get in a car. There are some people I feel super safe in the car with and I won't freak out if they drive a little faster than me. There are other people I can't be in the car with because they drive so recklessly I have to clutch my seat the entire time to feel safe. There are others who drive so slow I have to focus on something else to avoid tucking and rolling my way out of the car and just walking instead. For me though, no matter who I'm in the car with, I wear a seatbelt. Every time. (Except in cabs because...come on...this is NYC. It's not like...dangerous.)

So for me, no matter who I'm dating, no matter how we're dating - though I tend to be more traditional - I wear a seatbelt. And for me, dating one person at a time is that seatbelt. Not having sex with someone outside of a commitment unless I'm pretty damn sure we're headed there soon. That's my seatbelt. That's the seatbelt that protects me from emotional injury and STDs. Or...is it STIs now?

Anyhoo...

You. You, pushy person, that tries to get people to compromise their values and have a relationship on your terms. You, pushy person who doesn't respect boundaries and tries to tell the person who made it clear they were looking for a relationship that they should loosen up and "have some fun" - because obviously wanting a relationship means they're uptight, and obviously sex with you is going to be fun for them.

If you are that person, you are basically someone who drives without a seatbelt, and not only that, but who tries to make people who get in the car with you to take their seatbelts off too! Do you really buckle up every time? Really? You never get tired of being so boring? Man, I thought you were a person who...you know...enjoyed living life and taking chances. I can't really picture myself with someone so conventional. If you trusted me as a driver you'd take the seatbelt off. Are you really that afraid of crashing? Do you have an anxiety disorder? Maybe you should see someone about that. I've never had anyone have such a problem taking off their seatbelt before. All my ex-passengers were fine with it. 

Yeah. Guess what? You can date in whatever way suits you, and I'm not placing a value judgement on all the different ways. But you don't have the right to ask someone to assume a risk just because you are okay with it. You don't get to establish someone else's boundaries.

You get to respect them.


x's and many o's,
(inside safe relationships on shared terms!)


- Belle




Popular Posts

Powered by Blogger.