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Why I do not believe in blow jobs as a substitute for sex while on my period

Over the summer I dated a guy very casually, and things were going well for about a month. I had just gotten out of something and wasn't looking for anything serious, and he was...well...working in finance and had the kind of self importance that people who achieve wealth at a young age sometimes have that kept him rather self involved. Still, the occasional once or twice a week hookups were working for both of us. 

Then, one holiday evening he invited me over. I informed him that I was out with friends and that tonight wasn't good, but he insisted that he really, really wanted to see me. I then called informing him that I was on my period and wasn't up for sex of any kind tonight. He asked me to come over anyway. I took that opportunity to restate my original stance because we were only really hooking up and had never hung out without sex. I made it as plain as I possibly could that nothing was going to happen. He insisted that he hadn't seen me in a while, missed me, and just wanted to chill. Thus, after my evening with my friends I headed to his apartment. 

We watched some shows in bed like we usually did, and as it started to get late I assumed that we'd be going to sleep. This is when he started to put the moves on me - moves I'd already told him I wasn't interested in. When I reminded him that I already told him I wasn't up for sex of any kind (translation: he wasn't getting an hour long blow job just because I was on my period) and he finally realized I wasn't going to be pressured into it, he got very upset. As in pouty, petulant, not a word or a kiss on the forehead when he left for work upset. 

The next day I got a text two paragraphs long describing his genuine "shock" that I would decline to "please him" and that a woman has never left him to "finish himself off" before. 

At first I chalked it up to his own personal entitlement, but there was a bit of a nagging feeling because there had been one other time that a man had expressed a sort of shock at my declining to accommodate him in this way during my period. So I did a handy dandy Google search, and wouldn't you know it?! 

This is a thing! 

It's a real push/pull situation. I read blog upon blog, forum upon forum where wives who hate blowjobs complained and pleaded for help with their husbands who know they really have a problem with it but still expect a week of blowjobs when they're on their periods. 

So here's what I have to say about the bullshit concept known as blow job week. 

Please share it with men and women alike. 

5 Reasons I Am Against Blow Job Week

1. Because sex is not my job.

Sex happens in a relationship out of mutual attraction, desire, love, etc. Not because the people involved are in some sort of indentured servitude to each other and required to "please" each other under any and all circumstances. That said, looking down at your erection as though it is some problem that the woman you're with is obligated to solve is highly inappropriate, assuming you have not hired said woman for that specific purpose. 

Additionally, oral sex out of obligation feels completely different than oral sex that you elect into because you want to do it. A period blow job is not foreplay, it is the main event, meaning the man receiving said blow job expects it to continue until he ejaculates. So now, not only are you asking a woman to perform oral sex out of some sort of obligation, you're also saying that she has to continue until you're done - not stop when she is done - which is pretty fucking ridiculous. 

I am not a sex worker, and my period is no excuse to treat me like one. 

2. Because a blow job is not the only option when a woman is on her period.

As convenient a solution - if you are a man, that is - as a blow job seems, it is not the only option during period week.

First, not all men have a problem with period sex. In fact, the majority of my partners have not, to varying degrees. For some it meant shower sex. For others, fresh out of the shower sex, on a towel. For others, no pre-sex shower required. Some were even comfortable performing oral with a tampon in (or without, though I'm not comfortable with receiving complete oral on my period.) Granted, they were French. Gotta love the French...

If not, there's always the backdoor, and sometimes I prefer that over vaginal sex. 

Either way, there are lots of other options that allow sex to remain a reciprocal experience. 

As it should be.

There is no reason that my period need become an excuse for a penis to become the be all end all of my sex life for five days a month, while my quivering little body remains untouched and my sexual desire goes completely unacknowledged.

3. Because male arousal does not trump female arousal.

Did you know that some women are the most horny when on their periods?

I am one of those women. I'm super aroused the entire time, feeling a bit more adventurous in bed, having extremely vivid dreams that leave me super hot and bothered upon waking, you name it. Never is my sex drive higher than those 3-5 (or, when off of birth control, 5-7) days. 

The whole argument behind blow job week is that a man shouldn't have to go without sexual satisfaction just because a woman "can't" have sex this week, right?

First, we've already debunked the argument that a woman can't enjoy sexual satisfaction on her period. Rather, some partners just aren't down to facilitate those possibilities. 

That being said, if I can suffer through a week of constant arousal without the satisfying release I desire from a partner, then so can you!

Just because a man's arousal is more visibly apparent doesn't make it more real than a woman's arousal, and while we don't have a taboo phrase like blue balls to throw around to guilt our partners with, it is not comfortable for a woman to get worked up to the brim and then not engage in sexual activity. And no, it isn't the same for us to finish ourselves off either. 

Performing oral sex makes me want to have sex! It's foreplay! It's extremely arousing. It works me up, and it's super unfair to ask me to do that to myself during a time when my body is humming with sexual energy, only to then ask me to finish myself off when I'm done satisfying you because you deem me unfuckable at the moment. 

Which brings me to reason number four...

4. Because it requires me to be tacitly complicit with my own body shame. 

Where did we get the idea that periods are gross? We are not living in biblical times, and we are not in high school anymore. There is no need to say things like "aunt flow" has come to town, or otherwise invent cute little ways to avoid making others cringe a bit and go "ewwww." Periods are not "ewwww!" We do not need brightly colored, adorable tampon applicator wrappers, nor do we need to hide them up our sleeves on the way to the bathroom to avoid the - what? - humiliation of being on our periods? 

That's madness. This is the miracle of life, damnit. How dare you try and make me ashamed of something that is a natural part of life; the product of one of the most amazing fucking things my body can do. 

Do I expect you to go down on me during and lap it up like a starving dog? No.

But I do not expect body shame. I do not expect to be treated like a pariah. I do not expect to be made to feel unattractive, unfuckable or otherwise "gross" when on my period. And I certainly do not expect to be asked to perform on my knees during this time as though it's some kind of natural consequence that follows from being temporarily unfuckable, especially not when men are cuming in women's faces all over the internet. 

I don't like double standards, so hear me and hear me well...

If you think it's sexy to ejaculate on a woman's face but the word period makes you cringe, you need to confront your gender bias and think twice about being squeamish about her bodily fluids. 

Thank you very much. 

5. Because all things considered, I should be getting pampered during period week, not the other way around!

Ummm...are we forgetting that women on their periods are experiencing constant, aching pain, usually more intense during the first few days? Are we forgetting that because of hormones going mad, women are experiencing various levels of exhaustion, heightened sensitivity to smell, food cravings, food aversions, nausea, lower back pain, and the most common symptom of all - cramps?!

Period sex actually helps alleviate menstrual cramps - orgasms are nature's pain killer. And no matter the day or how heavy the flow, menstrual bleeding usually slows down when a woman becomes aroused. 

But again, even if you aren't an advocate of period sex, how the hell did we end up with blow job week?!

When your partner has a cold, you make them soup and tea and wrap them up in a fuzzy blanket. When your partner has a headache, you turn out the lights, fetch them the Advil and grab them a cold compress. When your partner falls and sprains their ankle on black ice, you wrap up that little foot in an ace bandage, alternate between ice and heat accordingly and bring them the remote that's just out of reach.

But when your partner has her period you... ask for a blow job?

Hello, patriarchy?!  

Women are enduring something that is inconvenient, uncomfortable and painful, and rather than being fanned on lily pads as they facilitate the miracle of life, they are being asked to get on their knees and suck dick because said miracle is keeping their man from his orgasm? 

This is the time for male partners to warm up hot water bottles, offer lower back massages, give breast massages, (a tantric experience you can both enjoy - a thank you!) assist in fetching the weird snack cravings and reassuring their women who feel like little baby whales washed ashore that they are indeed still beautiful. Not making them feel even worse by making sour lemon face for three to seven days at the mention of sex while at the same time demanding that their own sexuality be validated and satisfied.

Not into period sex? To each his own. But regardless of the time of the month, you are never entitled to a blowjob. As I've said before, E to E (erection to ejaculation) sex is not sexy, and is the reason that women in heterosexual relationships experience less sexual satisfaction than women in same sex relationships. I think I speak for all the women in hetero relationships when I say I'd like to close the fucking gap. Which shouldn't be hard, considering. ::wink::

Come on guys, you're better than this! Your dicks are not the be all and end all of sex, not even during a woman's period. So use your smarter heads, step away from your egos, and offer your menstruating women some damn support. 

And no, a pillow for her knees doesn't count.

x's and reciprocal O's,

- Belle

I was serious about the breast massage, ps. Links below.

You're welcome.

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